


The Once & Future Captain

by Turtle_Goose



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, F/M, M/M, Mass Murder, Mass Starvation, References to Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2011-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-27 19:18:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/299174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turtle_Goose/pseuds/Turtle_Goose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The crew of the Enterprise is tasked with a classified mission to find a translation device that was developed by Hoshi Sato before her death. The mission takes the Enterprise to the mysterious Tarsus IV, a dead planet that once supported a thriving colony. Concerned about Captain Kirk and Lieutenant Riley’s alarming behavior, the crew delves into Kirk’s old life on Tarsus IV, uncovering the hidden horrors in the planet’s past and finally understanding their Captain in a way they’d never though possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

  


**Prologue**

* * *

For the first time in as long as he could remember, alpha shift was going smoothly - no troublesome transmissions or space anomalies. There were no injuries to be tended to, save a first-degree burn on Scotty's hand that he acquired while correcting a lieutenant's honest mistake in trying to repair a burnt-out science console.

Because of this unusual occurrence, it was possibly not a particularly smart thing to do on Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy's part when he put his feet up on his desk with fifteen minutes left of shift to go, and muttered, "Perfect day so far. Nothing else to do."

It was only after he’d said it that he sat up abruptly, cursing the words that had so carelessly slipped from his mouth. "Damn it."

He knew better. Right? Right.

After all, the ship he was on _was_ the _Enterprise_.

* * *

_One Year Ago_

"Dammit!" Bones cursed, giving the computer an irritated glare. "Damn machines! This is Doctor McCoy, Leonard Horatio, Chief Medical Officer of the USS Enterprise, requesting full medical records on Captain Kirk, James T., authorization 8-2-november-gamma-4-5. Comply."

"Full medical records are sealed. Unable to comply."

"Dammit. What do you need? A goddamned blood sample? Look, just give me all information available on James T. Kirk, okay? Whatever isn't fucking sealed or redacted. Hell."

"Processing."

"And send it to my personal PADD in my quarters, will you?"

"Affirmative."

"Doctor McCoy? Your 14:00 physical is here." His head nurse, pretty and blonde and six different kinds of competent had appeared at his office door.

"Thank you, Christine. I mean, Nurse Chapel. Sorry. Those old southern doctor habits are hard to break," he said with a smile. "Any sign of our fearless leader?"

"It's quite alright, Sir. And no, Captain Kirk hasn't reported in yet. However, Commander Spock is currently with Dr. M'Benga."

Bones nodded. "He did a good portion of his internship on Vulcan before..." He steeled himself. "Before the Narada Incident. Mr. Spock has listed him as primary physician and I agree. He's best suited for dealing with Mr. Spock's unique heritage." He was rambling, he realized.

Chapel nodded thoughtfully. "Lieutenant Q'Nel'Ka is waiting in room 5."

"Thank you."

"And Doctor McCoy," Chapel said, almost if having an afterthought.

"Yes?"

"Captain Kirk's records aren't the only crew member's that are sealed. Lieutenant Riley, your 14:30, his are sealed as well. I tried pulling them up with the rest on your itinerary this morning and I got the same message you did. What information is available is loaded onto the charts for you."

"Thank you," Bones said as he locked his computer. "I'll make a note of it. Now, I have a patient to clear for duty. Damned bureaucracy, it'd be a hell of a lot easier if they'd just mandate physicals prior to ship launch." He left for room 5, leaving a bemused Nurse Chapel in his wake.

Lieutenant Q'Nel'Ka was waiting patiently for him. He gave her a once-over as he picked up the waiting chart. "I'm glad to see that you recovered from that case of Neljerian Grass Rash. I trust you haven't had any complications?"

"No, Sir. That antibiotic cream you prescribed took care of it straight away," she said, reptilian eyes flashing. "You were most helpful, Doctor McCoy."

"Great. Now, time for the standard questions. Just answer to the best of your abilities and we'll get through this with minimal pain, eh?"

"Certainly, Doctor McCoy."

The physical went smoothly and Lieutenant Q'Nel'Ka was approved for duty. ("Just watch those samples in the botany lab, y'hear?")

Bones went ahead and pulled up Lieutenant Riley's record as he went to check on the general status of his sick bay. He saw Spock leave after a parting word with Dr. M'Benga while a young ensign nervously awaited the other doctor's attention. And then he returned to room 5 and turned his attention to Riley's file.

Large portions were redacted. The entire section that should have covered his early adolescence was almost completely blacked out, figuratively speaking. After the age of sixteen, his record picked back up, continuing on into his enlistment and current service in Starfleet.

There were a handful of discrepancies in his records, things that suddenly appeared, like anemia and a weakness in his heart muscles. He had a strong feeling that the inconsistencies were related to the areas that had been sealed.

He pressed the comm panel. "Lieutenant Riley, Please report to room 5 of Sickbay."

"On my way, Sir!"

Bones waited for maybe four minutes before Riley strolled in, as was his habit. His Academy boot camp instructors might have broken him of the habit for the three-week camp and for Cadet Formation, but they'd failed to remove the habit entirely. Unless it was an emergency or unless time was of the essence, if Riley was going anywhere, he was strutting or strolling. McCoy inwardly rolled his eyes. The kid reminded him of Jim, sometimes so much it was uncanny.

"Lieutenant Riley, reporting for my yearly!" Riley said with a jaunty salute that was a few degrees off regulation.

"Well then, stop standing around like an idiot and hop up on the bed," Bones said, waking up the scanner.

"Gee, Doc, do you treat all the patients this well or am I just special?" Bright brown eyes smiled up at him, well used to his gruff demeanor.

"Sarcasm. How original. You're a real pioneer, Riley."

"Wait until you see the statue they erect in my honor."

"Right. Vitals look good," Bones said, reading the scanner in conjunction with the bio-bed's readouts. "You haven't reported any health issues in the past six months, so I'm guessing you feel all right?"

“Oh, I feel fit as a fiddle," Riley answered with a smirk.

He guided Riley through the physical, all professionalism. He ruined that quickly after, however. "Well, I'd say you're fit for duty. No anemia that I can see and your heart health is just about perfect, Lieutenant."

The easy-going smile had faded abruptly from Riley's face. He was eyeing Bones wearily, now. "Read my file, did you?"

"I'm your CMO and main physician; of course I read your medical history. It's required."

"Right," Riley nodded stiffly. "Are we done here?"

"Is there a reason why your records are sealed, Riley?" Bones pressed, unable to help himself.

"Yes, Sir, there is. But one, it's classified and two, even if it weren't, it still wouldn’t be any of your damn business. Starfleet only dictates that records go back to the age of 16. Have a good one, Doc."

Riley was out of the exam room before Bones could blink.

 _Damn it,_ he thought, _damn it all to hell._

* * *

He didn't give much thought to the incident after a freak power surge caused by warping past a star system in the middle of ion storms damaged 30% of the ships consoles and led to sickbay being overrun with those unfortunate enough to be on duty at the consoles when the surge hit. The ship was at yellow alert and he didn't have to contact Kirk to know that some of the injuries were serious.

“Nurse Chapel! Start setting up triage. M'Benga, operating room 1 is yours. I'll take OR 2.”

For the next five hours, Bones was in surgery, repairing internal organs, using the OR regenerators for skin grafts, and in one case, correcting severe retina damage in one unfortunate ensign. M'Benga wasn't faring much better, he was sure.

At the end of the day, hours after his shift was supposed to have ended, Bones was hungry, sore, and oddly refreshed. He'd been in his element, helping others, saving lives. He made a sweep of the sickbay, checking on patients with injuries deemed serious enough to be kept for observation and reading reports on those who manage to scrape by with mere first or second degree burns.

He finally briefed the medical staff reporting for their shifts on the situation in sickbay and turned over responsibility to Nurse Burke, who presided over beta shift.

He retired to his quarters, ordering a tray up from the mess. It wasn't his usual habit; normally he was very adamant about doing such things himself and any other time he would have gone to the mess and eaten there, but he was just too tired and he needed a shower.

He didn't like the sonic showers, though he admitted that they did an adequate job in cleaning and disinfecting. Even more, some people actually _preferred_ them. He was always going to favor water showers, however. There was nothing like a hot stream of water cascading down a body, soothing away the day's aches and worries. Yeah, he was a sentimentalist.

He ignored the water setting, not caring to use up his monthly allotment. He stripped, turned the shower on, and stepped in. The steady pulsating vibrations were quick and efficient and he left the shower feeling marginally cleaner then he'd been when he'd started it.

By the time he was toweled off and dressed, a chime at his door had him bidding "Enter," and the young ensign on mess hall duty quickly deposited his tray on Bones's table before saluting "Sir!" and beating a hasty retreat.

Damn it. Was he _that_ intimidating? Whatever. He was a doctor, not a social butterfly.

He fetched his PADD from his bedside table and noticed the blinking light indicating that he had a new message and a new update to his PADD's library. Heaving a sigh, Bones sat down and started in on his dinner (roast beef and mashed potatoes) before playing the message to see what Jim wanted.

Jim's message was fairly typical.

_Bones!_

_This is Captain Kirk._ He rolled his eyes. _I'm checking to see if you're free tomorrow for my physical. I figure you can give me an internal exam and then, you know, give me an_ internal _. Haha! Get it?_ Bones sighed heavily at Jim's childish humor; flirting was second nature to Jim Kirk and Bones had actually been on the receiving end of worse come-ons from Jim. _Anyways, I'm off duty tomorrow at 0300 and I figure I might as well get it over with. Send me a message or let me know. I'll be playing chess with Spock tonight. Kirk out._

It was typical Jim behavior, mixing duty with humor. Of course, he’d sent it through personal means and not official channels, so there was no chance of Starfleet getting a hold of the message and reprimanding it's newest captain for sexual harassment and conduct unbecoming an officer. But Bones didn't honestly mind the messages. It was just Jim being Jim, and he knew there wasn't any ill will behind it. He'd long since gotten used to the sexual innuendos and come-ons that were day-to-day hazards of being best friends with Jim.

To the best of his knowledge, he was the only person on crew to get such messages. Uhura would be less then amused if Jim sent her a message like that (and Jim, like most officers on board, respected the hell out of Uhura too much to dare), and Gary Mitchell and Gaila, Jim's biggest cohorts at the Academy besides Bones himself, had died while stationed on the _Farragut_. So Bones would be the only person getting this type of message from Jim.

He frowned slightly at Jim's mention of an evening with Spock. Those evenings were becoming fairly more common as Captain and First Officer attempted to understand each other better. Bones didn't want to admit he was jealous though. It wasn't as if he could have Kirk's evenings to himself like the good old days at the Academy, after all.

Jim had told him that he and Spock were supposed to have this deep friendship according to the Older Spock, because that Spock and _his_ Jim Kirk had had a deep (Jim had used the word “epic,” actually) friendship. Where this would eventually leave Bones, he wasn’t sure. But until the day came where Jim trusted Spock over him, Bones would always have his back. Fuck, he was enough of a sap and cared about Jim enough that he’d have his back no matter what.

Jim’s message reminded him... Bones still had all the information available on Jim to read, waiting right there for him on his PADD. He was half terrified of what he’d find; the minimal information he’d had as Jim’s primary physician back at the Academy wasn’t terribly promising: poorly mended bones and allergies to several common medications and several of Starfleet’s top psychologists signing off on Jim’s competence to be on Command Track. Slight anemia and several treatments to restore bone density had been recorded as well.

His mind started racing as he pulled up Jim’s file with the information now available to him as CMO of the _Enterprise_. Medical history up until he was 13 was fairly standard: a broken arm from falling from a tree at age 6, allergy reports and decontamination treatments for radiation he’d experienced during and immediately after birth (the reason his eyes were so blue). The typical records for a healthy young boy full of mischief, really. Then after age 13, all history was redacted. Nothing else was available until Jim was 16. And then it was similar to Lieutenant Riley’s file: anemia, vitamin deficiency, and heart weakness. Everything treated and fixed, of course, but still... the same problems with the same shady medical records...

What the hell was going on?

He didn’t get a chance to ask Jim about it during his physical; there were too many other crew members to clear and Jim was skittish enough around sickbay (and doctors in general) as it was. Bones decided not to press his luck at actually having Jim cooperate with him in sickbay for once.

In fact, he didn’t approach Jim about it until one night a few weeks later when he and Jim had free to spend in Bones’s quarters, playing cards and drinking the alcohol they’d managed to smuggle onboard.

“Shoot Bones,” Jim had said, unconcerned after a few drinks. Bones had asked if he could ask a personal question. “I’m an open book for the most part. But if you’re finally ready to tap this after all this time, you’re going to have to work for it.” He gestured to his body, currently sprawled out ungracefully on one Bone's un-regulation chairs, the one that was like a bowl with a cushion and sat on a stand. (The sales lady had been so pretty that he hadn’t thought twice about buying the damn thing.)

Bones didn’t play around; he ignored Jim's come-on and got straight to the point. “Jim, I finally got a hold of what I could of your records when I became CMO. They’re more complete than what I had at the Academy, but there’s still large parts missing. Why are your records sealed?”

Jim tensed up before sliding his face into the grin that he wore when he was on the defensive and trying to play it off. “Nothing to worry about Bones.”

“Jim, you can talk to me-” but he was cut off.

“I’m not interested in talking about it, Bones,” Jim said firmly. “Starfleet has everything it needs to know and everyone involved signed off on it.”

“Dammit Jim, I’m trying to-”

“Bones, drop it!” Jim’s voice was far harsher than he’d ever heard directed at him in all their acquaintance.

“Jim.”

“That’s an order, Doctor,” Jim said flatly. He stood from the chair and left Bones’s quarters without so much as a backward glance.

* * *

It took a couple of weeks for Jim to warm back up to Bones after that little incident of stubborn assholery. It had been a lonely period of exile from Jim’s good graces. Jim was civil, but instead chose to spend time with the other crew members, like Spock and Scotty... and also (and it _had_ to be more than a coincidence or his name wasn’t Leonard Horatio McCoy) Kevin Riley.

Jim hadn’t really expressed any interest in talking to Bones at all until his expertise had been needed on an away mission to Raja III. There had been an ambush (What _was_ it with the _Enterprise_ and getting attacked?) and McCoy had fallen victim to a few different types of venomous darts. Spock had thrown him over his shoulder and raced him back to the beam-down spot and requested an emergency beam up directly to sickbay. (He'd later sent Spock a fruit plate from the kitchen (which had required a bit of bribery) in gratitude, along with a message to please never mention that humiliating moment again, thanks.)

Dr. M’Benga (Geoff, he supposed. He should at least call the man who saved his life by his name) had told him it’d been a near miss. He’d technically died twice on the table until Geoff had isolated the most virulent poison and neutralized it. Then there had been three grueling hours of repairing the damage the toxins had dealt to his system.

He’d spent a week in his own sickbay as a damned patient - and not just a patient, a passed-out patient. It was somewhat grating, he’d admit. It was true: doctors made the worst patients. What Geoff had neglected to tell him, and he’d instead had to hear from a very smug and smirking Nurse Chapel, was that Jim had spent every minute not required on the bridge by his bedside, holding his hand and pleading with him to wake up.

It had surprised him, to be honest. Bones hadn’t expected Jim to come around so quickly. He’d worried that he’d done irreparable harm to their friendship by not letting the matter of Jim’s sealed records drop. But apparently Jim couldn’t hold a grudge that long. Or maybe Geoff hadn’t been exaggerating and he really _had_ been on the brink of death that week. And either way, Jim didn’t visit Bones once after he woke up.

It was another four days before Geoff would release him back to his quarters and a further two days before he was allowed to resume his duties as CMO. But the first evening back in his quarters, he found himself answering the door to find a haunted looking Jim on the other side. He didn’t say anything, just stepped out of the way, letting Jim sweep inside. The doors closed quickly and even quicker, Jim had thrown his arms around Bones tightly, holding on for dear life.

“Don’t ever do that to me again, Bones!” Jim managed, shaking. “Jesus, Bones, you almost died! No, you _did_ die. Twice! What would I do without you? Huh? Did you ever think about that before you went and called attention to yourself like that on Raja III?” His tone was erratic and Bones was surprised to see Jim's eyes looking suspiciously wet. “I can’t-” he looked away and regained what he could of his composure. “I can’t go through that again, Bones.”

“It’s a real bitch, ain’t it?” Bones said ironically.

Jim pulled away just enough to look at him sharply. “Oh, don’t even start on me, Bones! This is about you!”

“Jim! I’m fine, okay? I’ll be back on duty in a couple of days. No worries. Only the good die young, after all. Bastards like you and me will be around for ages.”

Jim finally let go of him and sat down in the nearest chair. Bones sat down across from him, still unsure of how to play things with Jim. It wasn’t a feeling he liked - he and Jim had always been so comfortable with each other and the past few weeks had been hell to deal with.

“Chapel said you were a frequent visitor while I was out,” Bones said.

“Every minute I wasn’t needed on the bridge, yeah. I mean, I can’t just abandon duty, Bones-”

“Jim, I’m in Starfleet too, remember? I know.”

“I was so afraid, Bones,” Jim said quietly. “The whole time I kept thinking that you were going to die and I’d been an asshole to you the last few weeks of your life.”

“You had a right to be an asshole, Jim,” Bones said. “I shouldn’t have pried like that, perfectly well-meaning or no. You shouldn’t have had to make it an order. I should have been a friend and just respected your wishes.” Except Bones still wanted to know what the mystery was, damn it.

“I’m sorry, Bones. Those records... why they’re sealed... it’s not something I ever want to talk about again. If there’s something in them that you have to know, if it’s a matter of life or death, then I’ll tell you what you need to know. Otherwise, they stay sealed.”

“I understand.”

“No, you really don’t, Bones,” Jim looked as though he was in his own little world. “No one does. Well, except the others, but those records are sealed too.”

That one last sentence told Bones that his gut instinct had been right - Riley was connected to Jim somehow. “I’m sorry, Jim. I won’t pry anymore.”

Jim chuckled. “Boy, we’re a pair, ain’t we Bones. Friends indeed, yeah?”

“Oh yeah, Jim,” Bones said, falling back into the easy sarcasm he’d shared with Jim for years. “We’re, like, soul brothers. Why don’t we just go ahead and cut our palms to seal it?”

Jim’s eyes lit up and Bones shot him a severe glare. “Don’t even think about it, Jim. We have different blood types - incompatible blood types, too. The last thing I need is a court martial and dishonorable discharge on my record because I killed the captain through medical incompetency.”

Jim smiled widely, looking as young as when they’d first met. “That’s my Bones, always looking after me.”

“Of course I’m always going to look after you, Jim. Even if someone who can do it better comes along.” He tried to keep his inflection light and teasing. But it was the truth - no matter where he led, Bones would follow, and eventually patch Jim up.

“Please,” Jim said rolling his eyes at Bones. “Who is ever going to be better for me than you?”

“Spock.” It slipped before he could catch it. He wished he could take back the word and all it implied, but if wishes were horses the universe would be a ranch. Or a glue factory. Or... something. Metaphor wasn’t his specialty, damn it.

Jim snorted. “He’s okay. I mean, we’re friends now, but he’s not _you_ , Bones. We understand each other a bit better now, and I think we’ll manage to not kill each other, but as far as the epic friendship Old Spock had with the other me back in his universe? That’s just not gonna happen.”

“How can you be sure?” he asked, figuring he might as well bare all his insecurities and count on Jim to be his usual kind self and not pick on a man recovering from near death.

“Because I have you.” There it was, so simple and so straightforward, without a trace of sarcasm or irony. _Because I have you._ “And because I hate chess. A lot. And that’s like, his favorite game. He was the grand master of the ultimate showdown of chess destiny or something back at the Academy.” He rolled his eyes and faked a yawn.

“I’m not gonna stand in the way of your friendship with Spock, Jim.” And he wouldn't - no matter how much it would hurt him to lose his best friend.

“You have nothing to worry about,” Jim said. “Look, I’ve thought about it. A lot. And maybe in that reality, in that time line, Spock and me were best buddies. But I’m not that Jim Kirk and Spock isn’t that Spock. This is a different reality, Bones. I’m not going to live my life according to a reality that I’m not even apart of. I’m going to live in this one, where I’m _this_ Jim Kirk and where my best friend in the universe is you.”

He was touched. Beyond touched. And, he realized, possibly just the slightest bit in love with Jim Kirk.

“Look, it's late. Can I stay here tonight?” Jim asked. “I just need to, I don’t know, make sure you don’t die or something.”

“Yeah, Jim. You can stay.”

Bones put the mystery of Jim Kirk (and, just as importantly, Kevin Riley) and the sealed medical records to rest in his mind. Jim wasn’t going to keep anything life threatening from him in a crisis and the records were obviously sealed for a compelling reason.

He kept busy with his duties and the _Enterprise_ completed mission after mission, effectively causing Bones to forget all about the fact that Jim and Riley had large parts of their life redacted from record. It also helped that he and Jim were closer than ever.

* * *

_Present Time_

Sure enough, Bones had spoken too soon, as everything had essentially gone to hell. The only difference was that there was no alien race to placate or a war to prevent. No, the damage was far more close to home than Bones would have ever guessed.


	2. Part 1

**Part 1**

* * *

He was so. damn. _bored_. Sure, he was glad that his frankly magnificent starship wasn’t under fire from outside forces, but Captain Jim Kirk was bored out of his mind.  Mapping out the Kasterborous constellation wasn’t exactly the most thrilling of work, since none of the planets showed any forms of intelligent life.  He supposed the system was pretty, with various planets in deep, rich hues from goldenrod to sapphire.

Jim looked over at Spock and nearly snorted.  Spock was deeply entranced in whatever reading the sensors were picking up from Kasterborous III.  He _would_ find this mind-numbingly boring work fascinating and thrilling.  Jim suspected the man could wax logical for hours on why Kasterborous III had a different atmosphere than Kasterborous I.

Jim wanted some _excitement_ , damn it.  Something, anything, to give his girl the chance to run wild, so to speak.  Surely the _Enterprise_ was meant for greater things than mapping out a system that didn’t even have anything the Federation would be interested in?

“Captain,” Uhura’s smooth voice rolled across his ears in pleasant waves.  “You’re receiving a priority one transmission from Starfleet on your secure channel.”

Jim looked over at Uhura.  “I’ll take it in my ready room.  Thanks, Lieutenant.”  He signaled to Spock.  “The bridge is yours, Spock.”

Jim went into the ready room and the bridge crew looked around at each other.

“I wonder what’s going on.  Starfleet almost never uses Captains’ secure channels unless it’s dire,” Sulu said to no one in particular.  “And it’s priority one.”

“I don’t know, but it’s irrelevant.” Uhura answered before Spock could comment on the inappropriate question.  “No one’s hearing that conversation except Starfleet Command and the captain.”

Jim was in his ready room for a solid three hours before the crew heard his voice on the comm.  “Lieutenant Riley, report to my ready room immediately.  Kirk out.”

The bridge crew shared another heavy look.  What could be going on that was so important as to use a captain’s secure channel and how could it possibly affect Lieutenant Riley personally?

A few moments later Lieutenant Riley strolled onto the bridge, past the crew, and into the captain’s ready room.  He didn’t look at anyone, didn’t say a word as he did so.  It was another two hours before the pair of them emerged.  And neither gave the slightest hint as to what Starfleet had needed.

“Mr. Spock, go ahead and finish alpha shift.  I’ll be in my quarters.”  Jim left quickly, with Riley right on his heels.

* * *

To say that Jim’s behavior over the next couple of weeks was odd, bordering on out of character, would have been an understatement. 

He still made an effort to talk to every crew member, but the ease with which he’d once done so was gone.   Since his promotion to captain and assignment to the _Enterprise_ , he was more professional than many of his classmates at the Academy would have thought possible.  But that professionalism was always tempered by an approachability and friendly, extraverted demeanor that put most, if not all of his crew at ease.  As of late, he didn’t spend as much time in the recreation rooms, or the mess hall, or even the gym.  Jim kept to himself and to his quarters.  Even when Bones and Spock, arguably the two crew members closest to Jim, tried to engage him in conversation, Jim just talked a bit about inconsequential matters and then shrugged off any deeper inquiries.

After his conference with Starfleet Command Jim was professional and performing his duties admirably, but he sometimes appeared strained, as if he'd just been assigned the care of two additional starships and crews on top of his own and at the same time bore the sole responsibility for discovering the secret to intergalactic peace.

So the senior crew weren't sure whether to breathe a sigh of relief or worry even more when Jim finally announced ship-wide that the _Enterprise_ would be making a brief detour to Starbase 67 on Admiral Pike's orders.

After the transmission he sat in his chair, as composed as ever.  "Chekov, lay in a course for Starbase 67.  Sulu, warp 7."

"Course is set, Captain."

"Warp ready on your mark, Sir."

"Engage."

"Aye, Sir.   We should arrive at Starbase 67 in two days, five hours, and three minutes." Sulu said.

"Captain?" Spock asked, moving from his station to stand at Jim's side.

"Something on your mind, Spock?"

"Yes, Captain.  It is something I would prefer to discuss with you privately."

Jim looked sharply up at Spock.  Such a request from Spock was rare, even now, a couple of years into their solid, if somewhat still impersonal friendship.

"My ready room, then," he agreed, motioning towards the doors.

"Thank you."

"Uhura, you have the bridge."

"Yes, Sir," Uhura intoned as she left her station to fill his vacated seat.  Jim couldn't help but notice how comfortable she looked sitting there.  He knew she was a brilliant xenolinguist, but she would have set Command Track on fire at the Academy.  As it was, she’d broken every record for the communications and xenolinguistics studies departments within two years.  He shook his head slightly, mentally preparing himself for the oncoming lecture her boyfriend (or whatever the term was that they used) was sure to deliver.

"Spock?" Jim ushered his first officer in front of him and into his ready room.

Once the doors were closed, Jim hopped up onto his desk and stared at Spock expectantly.  "Speak your mind, Spock."

Spock took a stance (legs apart just so, arms bent up at the elbows, fingers steepled - what Jim called his “I am logical and you will listen to me” stance.  It was usually used on Jim when Spock thought he was being unreasonable. Spock thought he was being unreasonable quite often, Jim had found), and raised an eyebrow ever so slightly.  “Captain-”

"Jim." 

"Jim, I confess that I find myself troubled by your behavior over the past 18 days.  You have been acting... out of character."

"Has my behavior endangered the crew, the ship, or myself?"  Jim was so very good at dodging these types of questions; he’d had so much practice with it.

"Indeed it has not.  However, Jim, some crew members are finding themselves unsettled by the change in your behavior.  It is affecting crew morale."

"I see, Spock."  Jim turned his attention to the view of the stars they were warping past.  "Well, our rendezvous with Admiral Pike will last long enough for the crew to partake in some shore leave.  That might help crew morale.  Shore leave typically has that effect, it seems.”

There was a period of quiet, wherein Jim knew his friend was trying to determine how to best proceed with him.  Spock knew how to fight dirty and twist words, but sometimes he was at a loss when it came to talking to Jim.  And Jim, childish though it was, rarely did anything to help Spock through the dilemmas.  Based on their past interactions, Jim had a good idea of how Spock would proceed:  he’d bring up a regulation and then use the crew and their welfare against Jim (fighting dirty indeed) in an attempt to win his concession.  It usually worked; his crews’ safety was paramount.

He waited for Spock’s next move.  It was, he was surprised to find, completely unexpected.

“I will not press you for the specifics of your preoccupation.  However, whatever may be troubling you, I do, of course, offer my assistance."

"And I appreciate the offer, Spock.  But you can't do anything to fix this; no one can."  He finally turned back to face Spock.  "And I know that this should go without saying, but it's better err on the side if caution in these types of situations.  I don't want you approaching Lieutenant Riley about this.  He won't be any more helpful than I am.  And that goes for Uhura or anyone else you’ve been talking to.”

Spock tilted his head and gave Jim the look that said he found him a particularly fascinating - and frustrating - puzzle that he was trying to solve.  "Of course, Jim." Spock made to leave and then paused. "I do hope that you find some manner of peace over whatever it is that troubles you."  He left.

Jim sighed heavily, left alone in his ready room, sitting on his desk like an adolescent rather than a Starfleet captain.  "So do I, Spock.  So do I."

He stared at the stars once more, lost in thought.

* * *

The cafeteria was crowded as usual. Bones determinedly set his tray next to Jim’s and nodded a greeting to Riley, who looked amazed that Bones was sitting with them.

“You doing alright, Doc?” Riley managed, eyes narrowing suspiciously as Sulu and Chekov also joined the table, laughing uproariously over some clever trick an ensign had pulled in the botany lab.

“I’m just dandy. Eugh,” Bones exclaimed, lifting the lid off of the plate on his tray to examine the day’s hot dinner. “Meatloaf. I’ve never liked it.”

Jim just shrugged and continued to eat. Jim would eat anything, Bones thought off-handedly. Sometimes he thought Jim had a bottomless pit for a stomach.

“It’s not so bad,” Riley said, digging into his own food.

Amazingly enough, Jim allowed Sulu to draw him into a conversation about ideas for on-going self-defense classes onboard the ship. Bones tuned the pair of them out and in doing so, subjected himself to Chekov’s eager chatter about the newest idea the maniacal Scotsman in engineering had cooked up for the ships’ engines. Riley, though reluctant, joined in, having a dual speciality in engineering as well as navigation.

It was probably the most normal evening Bones had had with Jim since he’d gotten the message from Starfleet Command.

* * *

The arrival to Starbase 67 was met with little fanfare.  For all intents and purposes, it was as if this particular mission was something that would be brushed under the rug, for all the enthusiasm the crew detected from its senior officers.  The ship’s quartermaster drew up leave schedules and the first set of crewmen beamed down to the planet.

Jim didn’t give anything away, not even the smallest tick of a facial expression, as he went to the transporter room to greet Admiral Pike.  Spock was there with him and Scotty was stationed at the transporter.

“I trust your mood is well, Captain?” Spock asked.

“Sure,” was all Jim would say.

“Admiral Pike reports that he and the captain are ready for beam up.”

“Captain who?” Jim asked.  “Pike didn’t say that he’d have someone with him.”

“I don’t know, Captain.  But I am reading two life signs.”

“Fine then.  Bring them up, Scotty.”

“Aye.”

The sound of materialization was heard and in the normal flash of light, two figures stood on the pad.  The first was Admiral Pike, on two legs, but leaning somewhat on a nondescript black cane.  The other, presumably the captain Pike had mentioned, was a tall, rather gorgeous woman with dark hair and blue eyes.

“Welcome aboard, Admiral.  Captain,” Jim greeted, all formality.

“Captain Kirk. Commander Spock.”  Pike nodded to each of them.  “This is Number One, captain of the _Yorktown_.”

“Captain.  Commander.”  She acknowledged both Jim and Spock.

“It is pleasing to see you again,” Spock said, though Jim wasn’t sure if he was referring to Pike or Number One.

All Jim knew was that he’d never expected to see that face again, or hear that voice - he’d spent so many years thinking that he’d been delusional, that he’d dreamed up that face and voice in desperation...  But he knew now, _really knew_ , that he hadn’t. He’d met Number One before.

He could remember so clearly… fuck, he wasn’t ready for this.

* * *

Jim and Spock escorted Pike and Number One to their individual quarters.  Any other time, Spock noted, Jim would have been chatting away merrily, exchanging witty dialogue with the Admiral.  But now, Jim was withdrawn, hiding behind a professional and calm veneer that Spock recognized as very similar to his own.

"It's good to see that you haven't destroyed my ship, Kirk," Pike joked harmlessly.

"I treat her like a lady," was all Jim seemed able to manage.  

This too, Spock noticed, was strange.  Any other time he would have garnished his response with a flirtatious glance towards the nearest female being.  Jim Kirk _always_ had a clever (for most humans, in any matter) retort at the ready, even under periods of heightened emotional stress.  Given his knowledge of the captain and his recent actions, Spock could only conclude that whatever it was that he and the rest of the crew of the _Enterprise_ were about to get into, it was something that had left a deep and disturbing emotional gash on Jim.  Spock finally admitted to himself what he had tried to 'shrug off':  he was extremely worried about Jim.  Not just as the captain, but as a friend.

The deep, intimate friendship his older counterpart had shared with the Jim Kirk of that reality, the friendship that he'd been told would come to define him (as well as Jim) as a person was not something that had come to fruition between his self and this Jim.  It was true that he considered Jim a close friend now, respected him as a colleague, and acknowledged him as a capable and worthy captain. Spock would never deny this.  Yet he knew that Jim was uninterested in living his life according to the dictates of a reality he wasn't in.  The disinterest was echoed in Spock, who enjoyed his friendship with Jim, his growing acquaintances with the crew, and his intimate and romantic relationship with Nyota Uhura.   _That_ particular aspect of Spock's life had noticeably surprised the older Spock.  He had thanked his older self for his well-meaning advice, but had shared his personal belief that to live his life according to what had happened in an alternate reality would be illogical, particularly as he was satisfied with the life he currently lived.

"I do believe that the Admiral is having a hard time letting go, Captain Kirk.  He is a most sentimental man, though he may try to disguise it at times," Number One said, lips ever so slightly quirking upward.

Spock studied Number One.  She had a regal bearing and quiet focus that compelled others to trust her and do as she ordered.  Her hair was fixed in the same style as it had been when they had served together under Pike, only now there were the merest hints of silver.  Spock had, in his way, admired her logical nature and professional composure.  She had been an excellent first officer to serve with and Spock had learned a great deal about serving on a starship from observing her.

Jim, oddly, was silent.  He appeared _unsettled_ by Number One.  Spock could not speculate a reasonable reason as to why, which left the possibility that it was an _un_ reasonable reason.  The idea of an unreasonable idea mixing with Jim was troubling.

Spock acted out of character and filled the silence Jim's voice should have occupied.  "It has been my experience that captains are often territorial over their ships, and as such, revert to posturing in an attempt to prove that the inanimate vessel in question enjoys them best.  You personally may have developed these proclivities with your promotion." 

Spock's comment was met with an amused smile from Number One. “I’ve missed that rapier wit of yours, Commander,” she said.

Admiral Pike snorted and Jim relaxed just slightly.

"I trust that you each will be comfortable.  Should you need anything, feel free to comm the yeoman on-duty," Jim said as the group arrived at the adjoining quarters.

Number One looked at Spock.  "Would you care for a game of chess?  It has been a few years since I last beat you.”

"Indeed I would, if the Captain has no further need of me at this time."

Jim smiled slightly.  "Go on, you crazy kids."

Spock and Number One entered her assigned quarters.  When the doors had sealed shut behind them, Pike gave Jim a sympathetic look.

"I really am sorry about this, Jim.  I know this is the last thing you want to be thinking about or dealing with."

Jim's look was even and his voice did not waver.  "I said yes, didn’t I? I understand my duties to Starfleet, Pike.  It's part of the job, doing things you'd rather not do.  I'll manage."

"I know, Jim."

"I'll see you during to briefing tomorrow.  I promised Bones I'd buy him one of many drinks I owe him and he has a habit of fussing if I'm late."

"Please give the good doctor my regards."

"Will do."  Jim gave him a nod and strolled off.  He never saw the pitying look Pike gave him before he entered his quarters.

Instead Jim, fully on autopilot, went back to his quarters and changed out of uniform into his civilian clothing, not even paying attention to what shirt he pulled out (blue) and not bothering to check if his jeans needed to be thrown into the refresher or not.  He grabbed his credit chip, tucked a stunner in his pocket, and left.  Roaming the corridors he barely noticed the crew around him.  He just made his way to Bones’s quarters and rang.

“Yeah?”

Jim went inside and saw Bones sitting in his chair, one of two he’d bribed Scotty to beam on, reading a medical journal.  “I’m here,” Jim announced.

Bones looked up, concerned.  Any other time Jim would have just expected Bones to recognize him, know that he was there. “Let’s go, then,” he said, laying down his journal and standing.

“What?  No questions about if I’m ready or how Pike and his captain-friend are doing?”  Jim asked, amused.

“If you’re weren’t ready, you wouldn’t be here.  And since you are here, I can safely assume that Pike and whoever else beamed aboard with him are doing just dandy.  Now,” he clapped his hands together.  “You owe me a drink.  Several, actually, but one will suffice today.”

“You know me so well,” Jim said, giving Bones the first real smile he’d seen in weeks.

“There are so many things I could say to that,” Bones smirked.  “Can we go now?”

Jim led the way to the transporter room.  He looked more relaxed than Bones had seen recently.

Starbase 67 was located on a Class M planet called Byzantia, and was one of the more recent Starfleet outposts to be constructed.  The planet was fairly earth-like, save for the small fact that it’s grass was purple and it had two moons to its one sun.

Its inhabitants were friendly and outgoing, though not nearly as friendly as the inhabitants of Risa or Betazed.  The Byzantians enjoyed fun for fun's sake and encouraged tourists to always spend equal time both working and playing.

Any other time, Jim would have fairly been buzzing with energy, ready to visit one of Byzantia's galaxy-famous holo-suites or rappel one of its challenging cliffs.  But instead he simply let Bones take the lead and choose the location of their excursion.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"A place a friend of mine from Starfleet Medical told me about.  She said it was quiet, cozy, and carries the best selection of liquor this side of Risa," Bones said.

"No hopping intergalactic clubs for you, huh?" Jim joked.

"Diana said she could have recommended some if I'd wanted her to, but she knew me well enough to know better."

"Were you two close?" Jim asked, going for nonchalance.

"Not really," Bones said.  "We had a few classes together and occasionally worked same shifts at the clinic."  He frowned.  "She was such a young thing, too.  Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's been over two years since we parted.  She was posted to the _Hathaway_ and they're over in the Laurentian system studying the plasmic cascades on Durth."

"So you _do_ keep in touch?" Jim pressed, a quiet sort of pain in his eyes.

Boned sighed.  Now?  Jim was going to pull this now?  Let it never be said that Jim was the epitome of convenience.  "No, I contacted her a few days ago to pick her brain for a good shore leave spot.  I knew she'd know one because her mother is an ambassador for the Federation and she's done extensive space travel.  She mentioned her ship's current mission and I happened to remember it.  That's all.  We never dated, never did anything but make friendly conversation."

"Oh."  They had arrived.

"Yeah, oh," Bones said, opening the door for Jim.  "You have nothing to worry about."

It was an unspoken thing, between them, and Bones was worried that Jim's concern was only popping up because he was so obviously distressed by their upcoming mission from Pike.  Bones directed Jim to a small, quiet booth in the back of the mellow bar. "Enough about acquaintances with good taste in bars," he said as he studied the drink menu provided.  "How are you holding up, Jim?"

"I'm holding," Jim said.

“But you’re worried,” Bones stated, hoping that if he couldn’t get Jim to tell him what it was, he could at least get Jim to let go of _some_ of the worry.

Jim chuckled harshly.  “That’s an understatement if there ever was one.”

“What are you worried about?”

Jim fixed his eyes on Bones, so intently that the waiter who approached their booth quietly turned around and left without taking their order.  “Promise me something, Bones?”

“Anything,” Bones said.  And he meant it.  He realized that at this point, after knowing the man Jim was, he’d do anything for him.  Some things Jim would never ask of him and he knew that too, but Bones didn’t think there was anything he could ever deny him.

“Promise me that whatever you learn tomorrow at the briefing with Pike,” Jim stopped.

“Yeah?”

“Promise me you won’t hate me?”

“Jim,” Bones said, wondering what it was that Jim thought could possibly cause Bones to hate him.  “I’d never hate you, no matter what I learned.”

“Just promise me, okay?”  Jim’s look was nearly desperate and for the first time since all this started, Bones moved beyond worried for Jim and into being _scared_ for Jim.

“I promise,” Bones said.  “Now, where the fuck is that waiter?”

“I find this worrisome, Bones,” Jim managed to joke.  “It’s not like you to tolerate a joint with such poor service.”

“Don’t make me break out the hypo spray,” Bones warned as the waiter made his (her... its? It was hard to tell.) way back to their booth.

Their night continued comfortably, with them very pointedly _not_ talking about the briefing that awaited them the next day.  And if a giggling, drunken embrace was shared on the way back to the beam-up spot, well... it was a stressful time, wasn’t it?  Such things could be excused, naturally.


	3. Part 2

**Part 2**

* * *

On the night before their ominous meeting with Admiral Pike, Spock and Nyota sat in Spock’s quarters as they did every night they had off together. The pair of them discussed many topics, trying to ignore the most pressing one at hand. However, inevitably the topic eventually turned to Jim’s strange behavior.  Neither Spock nor Uhura had come away feeling particularly hopeful for the upcoming briefing.

"Spock, has the captain even given a hint about what this briefing is about?  Having an admiral actually beam aboard for a briefing rather than use secure sub-space channels isn’t exactly promising.”

Spock looked down at Nyota who was resting her head on his lap; she was more worried about Jim than she'd care to admit.  She respected Jim and considered him a friend, but she never encouraged any of the deeper intimacy that Spock had come to learn could be shared in friendships.  "You are worried about the Captain, though you will not say so outright," he commented instead of answering her question.  "You and the Captain share a friendship, so I do not understand why you hide your concern."

“He’s always seemed so invincible,” Nyota said, setting down the PADD she had been studying.  "Even when he was an aimless townie hitting on me years ago, he showed no fear.  It was like he could take on the world, even if he didn't realize it."   She sat up straight and turned to him.  "Think about everything we've been through; he's been remarkable.  But this, whatever this is, has him scared.  And if this has someone like Kirk scared, what does that mean for us?"  She asked.  "Everyone has a breaking point and whatever it is that can drive Kirk to his, I'm not sure I want to know anything about it.”

Spock considered what she had said.  Her reasoning was illogical and flawed by emotion.  Yet his mother had been the same way.  He recognized what she had called ‘common sense’ in Nyota’s words.  "I am sure the Captain will perform admirably, Nyota."

She said nothing further, but frowned as she went about her nightly routine.  She was still frowning slightly when she curled up to him in sleep.  Her worry pained him.

 

* * *

At precisely 0930 hours, Spock and Nyota made their way to the briefing together.  The senior crew had been summoned and while each was nervous about what all the mystery was about, all were also extremely curious.

Spock studied Nyota as they walked.  She was barely mouthing Andorian verb conjugations in the middle-class dialect, a habit he’d learned she practiced when she was worried.

The corridors were busy, filled second shift for shore leave was walking past them, heading for the transporter rooms.  Crew morale had, as Jim predicted, been boosted slightly by the promise of shore leave.  The crew was paying little attention to the senior staff and their comings and goings.  Which was fortunate, since Nyota had the distinct impression that this upcoming mission was something that would not be widely publicized.

They were the last two members to enter the conference room.  Scotty and Chekov were standing by one of the large windows, intensely discussing the latest theory regarding inter-space physics.  Sulu, tapping out something on his PADD, was sitting near the head of the table along with Dr. McCoy and Admiral Pike.  A woman she didn't know, but who bore the rank of captain was seated next to Pike.  At the far end of the table, sitting together and looking for all the world like they'd rather be anywhere else were Captain Kirk and Lieutenant Riley.

Uhura and Spock took their seats, followed by Scotty and Chekov.

"Spock, you did secure the room, correct?" Pike asked.

"Indeed I did, Sir."

"Good." Pike cast his impressive gaze around at the crew.  "It needs to be understood that the information you are about to receive is classified and therefore will not go beyond this room." They all nodded.  "The PADDs you see before you are all Starfleet Intelligence issue and are locked to your biological signatures.  The information loaded onto them is tamper-proof and cannot be copied or transferred electronically.  Any attempts to do so will send an alert to Starfleet and the officer or officers in question will be disciplined accordingly." He gave a grim smile. "I trust none of you are eager to be uninvited from Starfleet, so I'm not expecting any issues.  And yes, this includes making amendments to medical records, Dr. McCoy, even your hand-written, personal copies,” Pike continued when Bones opened his mouth.  "This information is sealed for a reason and it will continue to be sealed and this little briefing will not go on any official records or logs.  Starfleet Intelligence has already signed off, so don't get your regulation-loving selves in a dither.  Also, these are burn outs that will be erased by SI at the end of this mission."

"Are we going to get to the point, Admiral?" The woman spoke.

“Yes, we are, Number One," he said, pressing a button on table.  A 3-dimensional projection of a planet appeared before them.  "The planet you are looking at is Tarsus IV."

"Wait," Sulu interrupted.  " _This_ is what all the secrecy is about?  A dead rock?" He noticed Pike's irritated expression.  "With all due respect, Admiral, it's a matter of public record that Tarsus IV experienced a natural geological disaster that made it unsuitable for the Earth colony that was attempted. More than half the colony was wiped out because the planet ended up being so unstable."

"You are correct, Lieutenant," Number One said.  "But that is public record.  I am afraid that the situation is actually far more complicated."

"Okay then," Bones asked.  "What happened?  Why all the fuss?"

"Tarsus IV is a dead rock, that is true.  But it wasn't a geological disaster that made the planet uninhabitable or what killed the colonists," Pike said.  He cast a look down the table at Jim and Riley.  "The Tarsus IV colony was meticulously planned.  The applicants to cultivate the planet were screened and vetted carefully.  Every factor was taken into consideration.  The individuals and families chosen all had qualities and skills needed to get a planet moving, so to speak." 

At Number One's motioning, they all activated their PADDs.  "Back in those days, decontamination procedures for shuttles and transporters were not standardized throughout Starfleet or the rest of the Federation.  More than one planet has experienced devastating consequences because no thought was given to how soil from a person's boots would affect the eco-system of a neighboring planet.

"Nine years into the colonization, an exotic fungus was inadvertently transferred into the Eco-system where it proceeded to ravage and destroy entire fields of crops within weeks.  Then it turned to the forests and other plant life."

"Is that what killed the colonists, the fungus?" Chekov asked, scrolling through his PADD.

"No."

Everyone looked up and over at Jim.  It was the first time he'd spoken since the briefing had started.  Pike looked at Jim expectantly, buy he simply shook his head and motioned for Number One to continue.

“During this period of agricultural disaster, the man in charge of the Colony was a man named Kodos.”  Jim and Kevin tensed up just slightly, everyone noted.  “He sent distress signals to Starfleet for aid, but the communications were scrambled and they weren’t received in time.  It was after this failure on Starfleet’s part that he took matters into his own hands.”

All looked up, PADDs forgotten.

“Kodos came to the radical conclusion that in order for the colony to survive, certain colonists would have to die.  He drew up two lists, those who were going to live and continue on with the colony and those who were not,” Number One said bluntly.  “He drew up these lists in accordance with his own personal theories on eugenics and half of the colony was murdered.  Yes, Mr. Scott?”

Scotty had his hand raised, looking nervous.  “Um, I have two questions, actually. First, if the planet is dead, then how are we supposed to breathe whilst down there?”

“According to our blueprints of the colony, there were artificial oxygen generators throughout the planet. Like all colonies, the settled part and surrounded areas of the planet were under atmosphere domes. They should still be working, since there were no reports of any damage to the vital systems of the planet. Scans of the planet when you arrive should let you know if it’s safe to beam down without oxygen packs,” Number One answered. “What was your second question?”

“What exactly does this mission have to do with the Captain and Lieutenant Riley?”

“We survived,” Riley said quietly.  “Jimmy and I were both living on Tarsus IV when everything happened.”

A heavy silence settled itself in the room.  Jim was defiantly meeting anyone’s gaze, _daring_ anyone to try to show him pity.  Riley’s look was unreadable, but he was a far cry from the carefree jack-of-all trades lieutenant they were so used to seeing.

“Why is none of this public?” Chekov asked.

“Part of it was to protect Starfleet and the Federation,” Pike admitted heavily.  “But mostly it was to protect the survivors.”

“Really?” Nyota asked skeptically.  “The murder of over 4,000 colonists was redacted to protect the other 4,000 who didn’t die?”

“Yes,” Jim said tersely.

“When the survivors were debriefed, everyone wanted the same thing:  not to be reminded of it.  They wanted what happened buried.  The geological disaster story came about to protect the survivors,” Pike said.

“So what, that gave Starfleet the right to decide what everyone else would be told?”  Nyota pressed, outraged.

“You’re damn right it did!” Jim yelled, slapping his hands down on the table hard enough that everyone who wasn’t Pike, Number One, or Spock jumped in their seats.  This was new.  They’d all seen Jim at various levels of irritation and stressed, but never such outright, terrifying _anger_.  “What do you think would have happened if it hadn’t been covered up?  How do you think the survivors would have been treated?  Sure, there would have been sympathy at first, outrage at the horror we had to endure.  Then the dissent would start.  ‘Why were _they_ good enough to live?’ ‘Just what did _they_ do or promise in order to be spared?’  And it wouldn’t have stopped until every single person who survived that hell was put on trial for all the Federation to see.”  He gave a harsh laugh.  

“It’s not like really matters, though, since more than two-thirds of the survivors have committed suicide since then anyway.  They couldn’t take the guilt.  I mean really, how do you deal with it?”  He asked, suddenly speaking softly.  “How do you wake up, day after day, and look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you survived and others didn’t?”  His voice got louder.  “How do you even _begin_ to reconcile the fact that the only reason you’re alive is because in one man’s sick and twisted mind, you were more worthy to live than everyone else around you?”  Jim looked at Nyota, who was looking at him with sympathetic eyes, all outrage forgotten as she processed Jim’s words.  “How do you do it?  If you find away, let me know, will you?  Because I’ve been trying for over eleven years and I still can’t figure it out.”

Everything and nothing was spoken as silence filled the room.  So many questions the crew had had about Jim were suddenly, horribly answered.

“I’m not saying I agree with it,” Sulu said finally.  “But I can kind of see why the geological story makes sense.  Look at human nature throughout history.  Humanity has had the unfortunate tendency to blame the victims, even if we’re outraged at the situation.”

“It is like the _Kobayashi Maru_ ,” Chekov added thoughtfully, looking troubled.  “If you died, then you are dead.  But it does not matter that you survived either, because all you feel is the guilt.  You cannot win.”

Jim snorted.

“Tarsus IV deserved more than to be made a spectacle of,” Pike said.  “The dead deserved their peace and they got their justice when Starfleet forces gunned down Kodos.  The survivors deserved their peace as well; the last thing they needed was to have their experience put on display for all to see.  If this had gone public it would have been disastrous, just like Kirk said.  There would have been inquiries and demand for the survivors to be put on trial.  It’s not an ideal situation - no one will deny that - but Starfleet, the Federation, and the colony survivors discussed this for months.”

“How did he do it?” Bones asked, ignoring the fact that he could have easily found the answer on his PADD.  “How did Kodos manage to do away with 4,000 people?  The weapons that colonists are given before embarking on their journeys are rudimentary at best.  How could he have found the firepower?”

“You’ll see,” Jim said quietly.

“How?”

“Because you’re going there,” Pike said.  “On Tarsus IV there is a piece of technology that Starfleet needs.  It’s a translation device, possibly the most sophisticated ever attempted.  It goes beyond our universal translators’ capabilities.”

“Why is it so critical?” Nyota asked, intrigued at the thought of a more advanced translation device.  “If it’s so important, why has it been left there?”

“The Federation has been courting several different races to join.  A few of them have difficult languages to navigate and are rather pedantic about how their language is handled.  It’s imperative that we can communicate without insulting them.  Among these races are the Balgoths and the Murcatians, whose planets are at critical areas near Klingon space.  Frankly speaking, we can’t afford to lose them as allies to the Romulan or Klingon empires.”  He met the eyes of every person at the table.  “With the destruction of Vulcan and the decimation of more than half of our fleet, the Federation is in a precarious position, unfortunately.”

No one could dispute this; Vulcan had been critical to the formation of the Federation.  Some planets had only joined because the Vulcans had lent the fledgling alliance an air of security, stability, and respectability.  While the establishment of the new Vulcan home world was progressing smoothly, it was difficult for the Vulcan ambassadors to focus on both their duties to the Federation and to New Vulcan.

“The translator in question, from it’s preliminary designs, is the most advanced we’ve ever seen.  It’s critical because if it works like it should, it _learns_.  The translators we use have to be re-programmed and updated constantly.  This device does it itself, integrating and correlating formal and informal language, along with cross-referencing it with other known languages.”

“Why has it been left so long?” Scotty asked.

“There _were_ more pressing issues at the time.  Also, the records have been sealed for years.  It was only a chance happening that one of the surviving friends of the colonist developing the translator mentioned it to us when we brought him in as a xenolinguistics consultant for these upcoming negotiations.”

“Who was the colonist developing it?” Nyota asked, noticeably intrigued by the notion of such a groundbreaking translation device.

“Lieutenant Commander Hoshi Sato,” Number One answered.  “She was killed protecting one of the children on the colony from execution.”

“Where on the planet is this translator located?” Spock asked, finally speaking.

“That’s just it,” Pike answered.  “We don’t know.  Hoshi Sato was a noted eccentric and a very private person.  She had a lab near her residence, but it was destroyed in the chaos of the famine and subsequent executions ordered by Kodos.  She wouldn't have kept something so precious in her house, either.  She would have made sure it was protected beyond all reason."

“Is there any way to track it?” Chekov asked. “Anything for us to go on at all?”

“A good part of the planet was uncharted - the colonists hadn’t gotten as far as colonizing the entire planet. The coordinates are on your PADDS for the areas the colonists had cultivated. Now the entire planet is dead, of course, but I doubt she would have stashed it outside of the colony area.” Pike said reasonably.

“And does this damn golden apple even _work_?” Bones asked. “Or are we going to get there and just find a couple of goddamned wires connected to a circuit board with chewing gum?”

“We don’t know,” Number One said, seemingly amused by Bones’s grumpy mood. “However it has been decided that the benefits of trying far outweigh the drawbacks of not trying.” She looked around the conference table and frowned inwardly. The people around her had no idea what they were about to witness, to encounter. Eleven years on and she still had nightmares about those horrible days when their ship had arrived too late. The faces, the bodies, they’d never left her. She didn’t think they ever would.

“And what if it’s not there? What if it was somehow destroyed?” Sulu asked. “Or what if the information was just preliminary and nothing had been started?”

Pike shook his head, a mild look of exasperation on his face. “You’re a damned inquisitive bunch, I can tell you that. From what we at Command understand, it’s there. And it’s up to you all to find it. Once you do, you’re to send me a priority 1 message and we’ll rendezvous at Outpost Gamma 4. I should be finishing up the new treaty between the Melthusas and the Caritasians.”

“What you must remember is that outside of your group, no one else is to beam down. And absolutely no one is to breathe a word about what you’ve learned and seen,” Number one stressed. “For all accounts this should be a job for Starfleet Intelligence, but Command felt that the personal experiences of both Captain Kirk and Lieutenant Riley better qualified the _Enterprise_ for this mission.”

“I believe we’re done here,” Pike said. “Dismissed.” Before he could open his mouth to say another word, Jim had quickly stood and left the room, Riley looking after him with an unreadable expression. The others didn’t quite know what to say. It had been painfully obvious how uncomfortable Jim had been through the entire meeting.

“Is that how it feels, Riley?” Sulu asked softly. “Is there the constant guilt for you too?”

Riley met Sulu’s eyes, trying to get a read on him. “It’s different from Jim’s,” he answered finally.

“But obviously you were on the list too, or you wouldn’t be here,” Sulu said, confused. Did Riley just not care as much? He’d seemed more composed than Jim had.

“I was on the list,” Riley said. “Just not the list of the colonists meant to live.”

His words sunk in and the attention, already focused on him from every person in the room, was intensified. Riley hadn’t been one of the chosen half, he’d been marked for death. Yet here he sat in front of them, alive and well.

“How did you manage to survive?” Pike asked.

“Jimmy. The day it all started, the executions, there was a scuffle of panic. My mom and dad had picked me up from school and said we were supposed to go to the community center; they didn’t know why. But there were some colonists who’d apparently heard rumors and started to riot.” Riley pointedly ignored the array of looks bestowed upon him: pity, sympathy, sadness, and curiosity. “I didn’t know what to do, mom and dad were separated from me forcibly by the enforcers and I looked for a place to hide; I was so scared. Nothing like that had ever happened there, you see. There were fires and screaming and so many people on the ground, injured. But in the panic and confusion, Jimmy found me. He’d been looking everywhere for me, he told me later." Riley looked down at his hands, as if lost in another time and place. "But then, he just grabbed my hand and told me to run. So we ran.”

“I shouldn’t be alive; I know that. I was marked to die and yet, here I am. All because Jim didn’t have the good sense to stay put like the other colonists were told.” He finally met the stares of the crew around him. "I'm not even going to begin to try and explain what it was like there, because you'll be seeing parts of it first hand soon enough. But coming through something like that, somehow, impossibly, surviving? I don't even have the words to describe how hard it is."

With those last words, Riley stood and left, leaving a conference room full of worried officers.

 

* * *

Jim wasn't surprised that Uhura found him first; he'd not been in the mood for deep inner-speculation, and as such, had avoided his favorite secluded observatory spot in a rarely visited part of the ship (and in doing so, had avoided Bones). He'd gone down to the shuttle bays instead and found a shuttle to sit in.

"Captain?"

Jim didn't say anything, just pushed the right button on the control panel to unlock the shuttle door, and another to activate the hydraulic lift of the door.

Uhura gracefully climbed in, looking very much at home in the small shuttle. Sometimes Jim thought that nothing fazed her; that she was always at home no matter the situation. He childishly didn't speak; if she was seeking him out, it was because _she_ had something to say. He wasn't going to ease her into it.

"I'm sorry for my behavior earlier, Captain," she said. "I'm not sorry for the way I feel, but I am sorry for the unprofessional behavior I displayed."

"You still think how the massacre on Tarsus IV was covered up was wrong?" Jim asked.

"Yes, Sir, I do. I suppose I can understand the reasoning behind it, but I still think it's wrong. Of course, I'm biased against such situations."

Jim looked at her and gave a grim smile. "I know. You’ve requested Africa's Unification Day off every year you've served." He smiled wider at her startled look. "I know my African history, Uhura, though I'm not a citizen and obviously don't hold the same expertise of the country as you do," he said. "But knowing what I know about you and the kind of person you are, I'd be surprised if such situations like Tarsus IV _didn't_ elicit that sort of emotional response, to be honest."

Uhura looked at him with that special look of hers that said he'd clearly surprised her with his insight. Jim liked that look, to be honest. He'd craved Uhura's respect since he'd met her, and if that look got him one step closer to that respect, he'd gladly take it.

"If you wish to write me up-" she started.

"I'm not going to write you up," Jim said simply, cutting her off. "I suppose Spock could always spank you, but you'd probably enjoy that," he said blithely and then snorted at the look on her face. "Look, it's been a tense few weeks, Uhura, and except for Spock, our emotions were all at heightened levels in that meeting, so don't worry about it."

"Captain-”

"Jim," he said pointedly.

"J-Jim," she said, clearly having problems addressing him as such; he'd been “You!” or "Kirk" or "Captain" for so long. "Are you going to be okay?"

Jim shrugged. "I'm going to have to be, aren't I?"

 

He left her in the shuttle.

 

* * *

“Are you going to tell me what the hell that was about in there?” Pike asked, easing himself into the soft chair in his quarters.

Number One sat in the chair opposite, her fingers flying gracefully over the PADD in her hands. “I was on the rescue ship that found Kirk, Riley, and the other children,” she said. “I saw the aftermath of Tarsus IV.”

“So that’s why Starfleet tasked you with this,” Pike said, suddenly understanding. “I was wondering if they’d just sent you for your good looks.”

She looked over at him sharply and then smirked when she saw that he’d been teasing her. “They’ve helped before,” she admitted. “As you well know.”

“What was it like?”

Number One sighed and set down her PADD. With S.I. temporarily lifting the redaction on the Tarsus IV information, she was at liberty to discuss it with her superior on the mission. “It was like nothing I’d ever seen. You and I saw all kinds of strange things while we served together, Christopher, but nothing was like this, thankfully.”

“I was a lieutenant on the _USS Cole_ , when we received the distress signal from the planet. Two other ships had heard it before us and we were the last ship to arrive. The _Endeavor_ and the _Ramesses_ were already evacuating the survivors and said they’d found everyone. But Captain Trill said that he wanted us to be positive before leaving the planet.”

She steepled her fingers in front of her. “There were bodies laying in the streets. Those who were still alive were so thin they couldn’t stand up against the slightest breeze. Some of the buildings were still smoking from the riots. So many people dead, and the living all had the same hopeless expressions, as if they’d been praying for death.”

“I set out on the outskirts of the city, because our sensors had shown faint life signs. I must have looked for hours before coming upon a cavern deep in the mountainside. And there they were, twenty-seven survivors, all children. And there was one, he couldn’t have been more than fifteen, standing up to defend them. He could barely focus or stand up straight, but he stood up in front of those terrified children and demanded to know who I was and what I wanted.”

She closed her eyes, reliving the memory. “I told him I who I was, that I was from Starfleet, come to rescue them. And when I asked him who he was, he stared defiantly up me and said, ‘I’m Captain James Tiberius Kirk.’ And then he fainted.”

She shook her head. “I’ve never forgotten that boy, Christopher, or those other children. They were so small, so weak, even the older ones. Their eyes were sunken and they literally looked like walking corpses. But they’d managed to survive. That boy had saved them.”

Pike was silent as he digested her words. With a sad look he shook his head. “Once a captain, always a captain.”

“I still have nightmares about that place and all I keep thinking about is how terribly Starfleet and the Federation failed. So many lives were lost and so many others were destroyed.”

“And now Starfleet’s sending Kirk and Riley back to that place. I hope they know what they’re doing. It’s not pleasant, seeing Kirk so unsure of himself.”

Number One picked up her PADD, though it was the last thing on her mind. “He fought against hell, Christopher. He can handle anything.”

“I sure as hell hope you’re right.”

 

* * *

The next day saw Admiral Pike and Captain One (the senior crew had never gotten her last name) returning to the Starbase, where the Yorktown was waiting for the pair of them.  It was all the crew could do not to breathe a sigh of relief, even though they all knew that according to Captain Kirk and Lieutenant Riley's behavior, the worst was undoubtedly yet to come.

After setting course for Tarsus IV - and temporarily disabling the mapping functions on the ship for all non-essential personnel - Jim had withdrawn even further into himself, much to his friends' dismay.  Yet the way he did so was not the way most people would have gone about it.  He was almost ruthless in his focus to the ship and their new mission.  He kept himself busy, and in doing so, left no time for anyone to try and talk to him about anything resembling personal.

It seemed the only person who was able to even remotely reach him was Riley.  And aside from the brief recounting in the crew meeting, the lieutenant had not divulged any other information on the Captain... or himself. It was very clear that the two of them were undergoing this mission at great personal protest and resentment.

Bones was worried for Jim, he couldn’t deny that. He was also madder than hell at the idiot. Bones couldn’t believe that after everything they’d been through together, that Jim would think that something he’d had no control over as a teenager would make Bones hate him. It was outrageous. And, Bones admitted to himself (though never, ever to anyone else) that it hurt. He knew that Jim had trust issues, but still... Surely after everything he and Jim had been through together, he’d proved that he could be trusted; that he wouldn’t abandon him?

Bones had the feeling (and rarely was he wrong about these sorts of things, damned intuition), that nothing was going to be resolved between Jim and himself until after this whole goddamned goose chase was over. He supposed that it was too much to hope for that they could simply beam down, find the damned device in the first building they checked, and then be on their way. No, this was going to be a real pain in the ass, he was sure of it.

* * *

At 0800 hours Jim groggily woke to the sound of the intercom chime.

“Captain, we are now approaching the designated coordinates,” said the ensign on duty.

“Move us into standard orbit and maintain,” Jim said.

He dragged himself out of bed, a feat of immeasurable willpower. He wasn’t ready for this. He wasn’t ready for this by a long shot, but what choice did he have? His only other option, really, was to steal the _Enterprise_ and it’s crew and take them off to a place where Starfleet and the Federation would never find them. Except that wasn’t really an option, damn it. He was Captain James Tiberius Kirk. And he was going to face this, head-on with the most fucking amazing flair possible, and then forget that the damned mission had ever existed.

He quickly showered and dressed, looking blankly at the gold Captain’s shirt he’d earned. It was the first time he’d not felt the rush of elation in the pit of his stomach when looking at it. He didn’t know whether that merited sadness or not.

Coming out of his quarters, he narrowly avoided a collision with Spock and Uhura, who he could only assume had left Spock’s quarters _together_.

“Spock,” he nodded. “Lieutenant Uhura.”

“Captain,” they both greeted. The rest of the journey to the bridge was silent. Uhura didn’t seem to know what to say; Spock was just being normal. And Jim? He really wasn’t in the mood for chatter.

The bridge was already switching over to alpha shift; Chekov had replaced the ensign who had woken Jim. Sulu was entering from the opposite turbo lift. Jim sat down in his chair without a word, pushed a button on the armrest and saw that Scotty was already in engineering (assuming, of course, that he’d actually left - it was hard to tell).

“Reports?”

“Sir, we have entered standard orbit of the planet,” Chekov piped up.

“Sensors are showing standard Class M readings from the planet below. Dead though the planet may be, it does appear that the oxygen generators are functioning. An away team would be in no peril should they beam down temporarily,” Spock articulated. He’d not looked up from the screens in front of him whilst delivering his report.

“Talk to me, Scotty,” Jim said, pressing the intercom.

“Engineering reports no major malfunctions, all diagnostics normal, Captain. And I do believe I have something that could be of help on the mission,” Scotty answered.

“Great,” Jim said evenly. “Okay. Uhura, Spock, and Chekov, you’re with me. Scotty, meet us in transporter room 3.” He was about to continue when Bones came onto the bridge. “Nice of you to finally join us, Bones.”

“I wasn’t aware my usual voluntary sojourn to the bridge superseded my duties to sickbay,” Bones said, a superior eyebrow raised.

“Anyways,” Jim continued, ignoring Bones’s sarcasm. “Sulu, you’ll have the ship while we’re down on-planet. I’d have you down, but to be quite honest everything you’d be interested in is dead.”

Sulu thought he deserved a medal for not snorting at that comment. As curious as he was about how an entire planet had died, there was little he could learn with all the time that had passed.

Jim pushed for the intercom again. “Lieutenant Riley, if you’d be so kind as to join the away team in transporter room 3,” he said.

“Aye, Sir.”

Jim looked around at his crew, who were all giving him even, respectful looks. “Let’s go, then.”

The crew wordless followed him into the turbo lift and Sulu thought they made a hilarious sight, the five of them cramming into the turbo lift in an array of gold, red and blue. Sulu snickered as soon as the doors had closed and then sent notices to the crew who would step into the alpha shift’s places while the away team was... well, away.

 

* * *

Scotty and Riley were waiting in transporter room 3. Riley looked irritated and Scotty was fairly bouncing up and down in glee, a silver device cradled fondly in his hands.

Jim sighed as the lieutenant at the controls gave the ready. “Let’s just get this done, okay?” he asked rhetorically as they all stepped onto the transporter pads. Chekov, Spock, and Uhura were all wearing phasers, just in case, and Bones had his usual med kit with him.

“Ready, Captain,” Lieutenant DeBussey said.

“Energize,” Jim ordered. _So my return to hell begins,_ was his last thought.


	4. Part 3

**Part 3**

* * *

The terrain around them was dead.  A sturdy wind was blowing, shuffling around dirt and leaves that had been dead for over a decade.  Everything that had once been green and vibrant and alive was now a dark and deathly brown.  Yet as the party approached the main city, they could see that this now forgotten world had once been immaculately cared for.

They passed through the main gates to the city and only Jim and Riley appeared unsurprised and un-startled when a computerized feminine voice sounded from speakers at the tops of the pillared gates.

 _"Welcome, travelers, to Tarsus IV, a Federation sanctioned Earth Colony focused on the full realization of individual and societal potential."_

“Now that’s just wrong,” Bones said, looking disturbed. “After all this time and it still works?”

“Solar powered,” Riley answered. “The planet may be dead, but the sun still rises and sets. And the protective coverings that went into the speaker systems here were labored over for months, to ensure they’d not be damaged.”

“How wonderful,” Bones muttered sarcastically. “What’s the plan, Jim?”

“Spock and Uhura are going to comb the east end of the city. You, Scotty and Chekov are going to take the west end of the city. Riley and I know this place best, so we’ll tackle the north and south sections. Keep your comms open at all times, understood?” Jim said. They all nodded. “Now, Scotty, just what is that thing you’re carrying?”

“It’s a detector, Captain,” Scotty said eagerly. “If there’s any device still with a power source that has higher than a delta three circuit interface, it’ll detect it. I figured it’d save us some trouble.”

“Report back here at 1500 hours standard time,” Jim ordered.

The group split up and as Riley and Jim headed north, they shared a look. “You sent them off on a useless errand, Jimmy,” Riley said as soon as the others, Spock and his excellent ears included, were out of range.

“I know,” Jim said. “But the last thing I want is them tailing my ass the entire time I’m here.”

“So you do know where Hoshi’s work was hidden?” Riley pressed. “I remember you used to go on and on about that damned thing. You were so proud that she’d asked you to help her build it.”

“Of course I know,” Jim said. “I was the one who hid it for her, when she started growing worried about the colony.”

“Except for the lack of smoke and the dead grass, nothing here has changed.”

“Strange, isn’t it?” Jim commented. “Ever since we were rescued, I always imagined that if I ever had to come back, it would look like hell. You know, fire and brimstone and lots of red demons wanting to stick my ass with pitchforks.”

“I guess I don’t know what I was expecting,” Riley said. “I tried so hard to block it out after I was sent to my grandparents. And they encouraged it, you know? They wanted me to forget.” He stopped and looked at Jim. “I never meant to abandon you, Jimmy. You have to know that. I tried to get back in touch with you so many times.”

Jim nodded and motioned for them to keep walking. “I know,” he said. “I managed to get a hold of your grandmother one day and she told me to piss off, the sweet old thing.”

“They thought it was best that I just cut ties with everything to do with what had happened. But I couldn’t let it go. They were so angry when I enlisted.”

“You had as much cause to hate Starfleet as I did,” Jim said. “Why did you enlist?”

“Because I hoped that maybe if Starfleet had better officers, something like this wouldn’t happen again. I wanted to be one of those better officers. It was the only drive I had, this pressing need to keep all this from happening again. If I could be better, more competent at my job than those officers were at theirs, than maybe, just maybe, I could have some peace.”

“Well, that certainly puts my reasons for enlisting to shame,” Jim said. “You’re a better man than I am, Riley.”

Riley snorted. “That’s not possible, Jimmy. You saved us.”

Jim didn’t say anything but just kept walking, taking them north of the main city and then veering off to the west, towards what used to be a grand forest.

“Why did you enlist, Jimmy? You never did say what lit the fire under your ass.”

Jim looked at Riley. “The then-Captain Pike dared me to enlist.” He grinned widely and it was as if the two of them were teenagers together again. “When have you ever known me to turn down a dare?”

Riley laughed. After a moment, so did Jim. And they laughed well-into the trip to their destination.

 

* * *

Chekov and Scotty kept up an annoying chatter as they explored their designated section of the city. Bones supposed he couldn’t blame them; he was half tempted to join in himself. Everything around them was eerily silent and still, with only the occasional gusts of wind to break up the uneasiness.

This city had been remarkably well built. It was far more advanced than any colony Bones had ever visited. The buildings were made of the highest quality materials. Were it not for the years of neglect and the wind whipping dust and dirt into the outsides, he was fairly sure the entire city would be gleaming. He recognized everything as the most advanced technology for its time. What had gone so wrong?

Surely it hadn’t just been the contamination to the ecosystem that was responsible? There had to have been other factors for something of this sort of magnitude to come to fruition. There had to be. By all accounts, this place had been the realization of a perfect and stable colony. For only being in place for ten years, it had progressed rapidly, overcoming hurdles that plagued most other colonies for decades.

“Doctor!” Bones looked up from the public subspace channel station (still functioning) on the street corner to see Chekov waving him over frantically. Scotty was looking ill.

He rushed over to the pair of them and immediately started scanning Scotty with his tricorder. “I’m fine,” Scotty said, looking faintly green. “It’s just,” he inclined his head to the building in front of them, whose facade was made up of enormous glass panels.

One of them had wiped into the dirt, with the intent of peering inside. Bones took a look and his heart dropped. So this was how Kodos had managed to kill most of the colonists he’d marked for death. This was how Kodos had nearly perfectly executed his mass-murder of half of the Tarsus IV colonists.

Inside the building, a bank from the looks of it, were perhaps forty people, all dead and nearly perfectly preserved. Some were slumped over the tellers’ counters. Others had fallen to the floor. A little girl, who couldn’t have been more than five, was curled up in a corner, still clutching her straw-brimmed hat in stiff, lifeless hands.

“They’re all just _there_ ,” Chekov said weakly. “It’s like they didn’t even put up a fight. They just _died_.”

“Looks like standard Rochman period business architecture,” Bones said, walking over to another building. He wiped what grime he could off of the glass and peered inside. It was nearly identical. “Get access to the heating and cooling systems and you can control the oxygen and such to the entire structure. If Kodos used the right concentration of toxins and had the all the exits locked, they wouldn’t have stood a chance.”

“How are they so well preserved though?” Chekov asked. “After ten years…”

“The buildings,” Scotty said, still looking ill. “If some of the circuits shorted out in the confusion or after time, the buildings would have sealed themselves, creating an airlock.”

“I’m just trying to figure out how he managed to separate them,” Bones said. “All the right people in all the right places at the right time?” He shook his head. “There’s more to it, there has to be.”

“Device so far is reading nothing,” Scotty said.

“Let’s press on,” Bones said.

“How do you know so much about the buildings, Doctor?” Chekov asked.

Bones shrugged. “One of my good friends at Ole Miss was a brilliant architect and she persuaded me to take a few classes as extra-curriculars. Besides, it was standard for medical students to learn about the life systems in buildings, particularly during the civil wars when bio-terrorism was at an all-time high. Knowing the life systems and how to work them could mean the difference between life and death for an under-attack building.”

They walked further into the city, passing the same lifeless buildings and seeing first-hand the desolation that had destroyed the colony. They came into what had to have been a lively area of the colony when the speakers announced,

 _"You are now entering the school district of Tarsus IV. Please do not swear."_

Scotty and Chekov threw sly looks at Bones, who just muttered, “Unbelievable.”

 

* * *

Spock and Uhura were walking through the main residential area of the colony. The houses were modest and neat, and it was easy to tell that the dead lawns had once been meticulously maintained. The picket fences were in near mint condition and Uhura imagined that this had been a relatively happy place to live.

“I am not familiar with this style of housing developments,” Spock noted. “It appears to be very uniform.”

“It looks to me like it was modeled after the suburbia style that was popular on Earth in the 1950s and in the late 2070’s,” Uhura said. “In the United States of America, housing was mass produced and was therefore nearly uniform in design. It was fast, easy, and cheap to do.”

“I find it,” Spock paused as if searching for the right word. “Unsettling.”

Uhura snorted. “I would have guessed that you would like it. It’s uniform. Logical. But you’re right, there _is_ something creepy about the suburbs,” she agreed. “Especially when they’re dead like this.”

“This colony appears to have been exceedingly well-developed despite the limited number of years it was in operation,” Spock said, looking down the paved road and taking in the neatly poured sidewalks.

“Admiral Pike did say that it was organized ahead of time like no other colony before it,” Uhura considered. “From what I understood in the reports this colony should have succeeded brilliantly. There were some of Earth’s top architects and technicians here, as well as top medical practitioners and teachers.”

“Which obviously allowed them to construct a fully functional colony in a minimal amount of time,” Spock concluded. With the right people in power and the right talent to work, as well as knowledge of what had caused other colonies to falter or fail, it would indeed promote the rapid development of a colony such as Tarsus IV.

Each house had a stainless steel pole in the front of its yard’s picket fence to the left of its sidewalk path leading up to the front door. Attached to the steel pole was a stainless steel sign engraved with a family name. Spock and Uhura passed _Kelley_ , _Surresh_ , _Stanislav_ , _Reynolds_ , _Gregor_ , and _M’Yregzki’s_. On the opposite of the road the signs read _Berkley_ , _Mullet_ , _Hunter_ , _Sato_ , _Davis_ , and _Kirk_. Uhura stopped and flung out an arm to stop Spock as well.

“Kirk. This has to be his old house,” she said. Before Spock could stop her, she’d raced up the sidewalk and threw open the gate.

“I do not believe this will aid us in our mission to find Hoshi Sato’s translation device,” Spock protested, though he followed her. He was, he found, inexplicably curious.

The door was unlocked and Uhura automatically pulled out her phaser per standard protocol. “Lights?” she asked tentatively, unsure if they’d even work after the planet being abandoned for so long. Slowly, the lights flickered on, creating a sickly glow in the house.

It was decorated simply, but the atmosphere was friendly (or it would have been had the occupants not been dead for over ten years). To the left was what had to have been a family room. Several hand-knit blankets were displayed on a quilt rack and a few more were thrown over a couch and a chaise. There was an electric fireplace topped with a stunning hand-carved mantle of what looked like oak. It was the sole bit of wood in the house that had not been painted white. On the mantle were several photographs in simple gold-painted frames. A man and a woman, both in their early thirties were displayed in one. Another frame held the same couple along with a young teenage boy - Jim Kirk. And a last photo was Jim Kirk himself, no more than thirteen years old and crouched beside a beautiful looking golden retriever.

“This is definitely Kirk’s old house,” Uhura confirmed, looking for Spock and seeing him studying a chess set that had been set on a small table in a back corner of the room. “Spock?” He caught her look and she bit back a smirk, as Spock had to force himself not to make a move on the board. “It appears one of the players was going to attempt a Maróczy Bind,” he said.

She motioned for him to follow her as she left the family room to enter a simple hallway painted an attractive sage green. The hallway led to a modest, once-modern kitchen. The table in the breakfast nook was neatly set for three. Off the kitchen was a set of stairs leading up to the second story of the house. She started up the stairs, Spock right behind her.

There were three bedrooms, one that had obviously been for Kirk’s guardians, since it was the largest and had it’s own bathroom attached. Another was set up as an office and the computers inside still flickered to life as they detected life signs. And finally, down the hall of the upstairs, was a simple white door with a sign on it that read _Jimmy’s Room_.

Uhura looked back at Spock, who, even to her trained eyes, was wearing an unreadable expression.

“Uhura to Doctor McCoy,” she said, pulling out and flipping open her communicator.

“McCoy here,” came his rough voice. “Did you find it?” he asked.

“No, but I did find something else,” Uhura said shakily, opening the door to Jim’s old room and walking inside. “I think you’re going to want to see this,” she finished.

“We have your location, we’ll be right there. McCoy out.”

Uhura looked around the room that had once belonged to their captain. “Oh, _Jim_.” she said sadly.

 

* * *

Riley and Jim turned quiet as they traipsed further up the rocky terrain far north of the forest. It was exactly like they had left it, bleak and desolate. Everything about this place was stirring up old memories that had long since been forced back. Riley could remember perfectly the first time he’d followed Jim this way, running for shelter because their very lives depended on it.

 _“Come on! We’ve got to keep running,” Jimmy said, panting harshly and sweat running down his dirty face. “We can’t take the chance that they’ll find us!”_

 _“What’s going on?” Riley managed, wanting so very much to stop for just a minute to catch his breath. His lungs felt as though they were on fire and his tired legs were screaming at him to stop, to not go any further. “Why’s everyone gone mad back there?”_

 _“Keep going!” Jimmy pulled at his arm, tugging him along. “I’ll explain when we’re away from here. We have to keep going, we have to find a safe place.”_

 _They kept running, only stopping every half an hour or so to catch their breath and listen for anyone who might have followed them._

 _Finally the two of them were at least two hours out of the city, and staring at a mountain facade. “Come on,” Jimmy said, pushing past Riley. He motioned for Riley to follow him and Riley, tired and sore, clambered after Jimmy as he disappeared into a small crevice in the mountain. “Jimmy?” he called._

 _“Come on!” came Jimmy’s voice._

 _Riley followed his voice and walked a long patch to find Jimmy inside a large cavern. Jimmy had obviously been here before; there were assorted pillows and blankets strewn about. Jimmy collapsed on a pile of cushions. “I was turning it into a fort for us, before this all started,” he’d explained, pushing his blonde hair out of his face._

 _“What’s going on, Jimmy? Why were all those people screaming? Why were they leading people to separate buildings?” Riley was so confused. He’d never been more scared in his life, and he’d spent the past two years being best friends with Jimmy, who was known amongst their peers to be fearless._

 _“Kodos is killing them, Riley,” Jimmy said. “Those people he’d had rounded up, he was taking them to certain buildings in the city to kill them.”_

 _“That’s crazy talk, Jimmy!” Riley insisted. “He wouldn’t do that! He’s been trying to save us!”_

 _“I’m not crazy!” Jimmy shouted. “I hacked into his computer and I saw his plans. Starfleet never got our distress call. They’re not even on their way to help us. Food’s on short supply and he thinks that killing half the colony will keep the other half alive until he can get a hold of Starfleet.”_

 _“How did he decide which half?” Truth was starting to sink in on him and he wanted to be sick. “I was in the dead half, wasn’t I?”_

 _Jimmy nodded. “I couldn’t let him kill you, Kevin.” He stood up and started pacing. “Kodos had two lists drawn up: the colonists who would live and the colonists who wouldn’t. He had all sorts of factors figured in, like number of children a family had or what job a person was capable of doing. Age was another factor,” he said, and Riley was shocked to see tears in Jimmy’s eyes._

 _“Hoshi’s on the dead list,” he confirmed, feeling lost at Jimmy’s nod._

 _“I don’t know if she’s still alive or not,” Jimmy said. “But we’ve got to go back and get the other kids. I’m not sure how many of them are still alive, but we’ve got to try and save them.”_

 _“And we’ll bring them back here?” Riley confirmed._

 _“Yes. And then I don’t know what we’ll do, but the city’s not safe for anyone. Once the colonists realize what’s happening, if they haven’t already, even those on the list to stay alive aren’t going to fare well. There’s going to be a bloodbath.”_

 _Tired and aching as he was, Riley drew himself up. “Who do we get first?”_

“It’s a shame we never got to have this place as somewhere to play,” Riley said to Jim, as they stood inside the cavern for the first time in over ten years. There were still blankets and old protein bar wrappers lying about. “It would have made an awesome fort.”

Jim smiled sadly. “That was always the idea, but it ended up serving a greater purpose, I think.” He crouched down and picked up a small stuffed baby chick. It was coated in dirt. “Haylie loved this thing,” he mused. “She’s in high school now, Haylie,” he imparted to Riley.

“Good for her,” Riley said sincerely. Haylie had only been four when he and Jim had pulled her out of her burning house, stuffed baby chick clutched in her hands. “Did you ever hear about Khalid?”

Jim shook his head. “I tried to get a hold of him and I never could.”

“Died in a car crash back on Earth when he was seventeen,” Riley said. “Grandma wouldn’t let me go the funeral. I was so angry with her.”

“So then that leaves you, me, Haylie, Jenny, Percy, Tia,” he paused and started ticking off fingers, something Riley hadn’t seen him do since, well, here. “Tyrell, Parvati, Eton, Dexter, the Morgan twins-“ “Shiloh and Shiela,” Riley cut in. “Randall, Thomas, Louise, Markus, and Lisa.”

“That’s seventeen,” Riley totaled. “What about the other nine? I know about Khalid.”

Jim frowned. “I don’t know. Not even the information Pike gave us had anything on the others. Hopefully they’re doing all right.” He looked as if he wouldn’t be able to bear it, otherwise. He sat down on one of the rocks protruding from the cavern wall, much like he’d done when they’d been hiding. “Sometimes I still can’t believe we managed to stay alive here,” he said. “As many of us as there were.”

 

* * *

 _“He’s back!” Jimmy heard Markus yell. “Captain Jimmy’s back.”_

 _He carefully started holding out what supplies he’d managed to round up and the others passed them down the line and into the cavern. When the meager offering had been stored away, Jimmy went over to where Percy was sitting with a very sick Ella. Ella was ten and she’d had a fever for the past two days. Jimmy was struck by the unfairness of the situation - children taking care of children. Percy, who was the oldest out of all of them, was only seventeen._

 _“How is she?” he asked, though it was painfully easy to see that Ella was in a bad way._

 _“Completely out,” Percy said quietly, brushing Ella’s sweat-soaked hair out of her face. “She doesn’t have long.”_

 _“I managed to find some ibuprofen but I’m not sure how much good it will do,” Jimmy said. “She needs a doctor.”_

 _“We can’t take her into the city, Captain,” Percy said bleakly. “Her family was on that list, they’ll let her die. And we’ve already lost Trevor and Ginny.”_

 _Jimmy looked around at the faces in the cavern. They were all just as thin and gaunt as his. There was a deadness in their eyes that echoed his own. All of them were just children. They needed to find help; they couldn’t continue to exist like this._

 _“What are we going to do, Jimmy?” Little Haylie asked, clutching a stuffed chick in her tiny little hands._

 _He’d only managed to find five protein bars and a few bottles of water. That not-nearly-enough bit of sustenance would be split amongst the children 10 years of age or younger. Jimmy took a deep breath. “I’m going back,” he decided. “I’m going back and I’m going to call for help.”_

* * *

“You kept us all alive, Jimmy,” Riley insisted. “I don’t think there’s a soul of us who would still be alive if it weren’t for you. You did the quick thinking and you got us the hell out of the city.”

“You helped,” Jim said stubbornly. “You, Percy, and Jenny. It was up to the four of us to keep everyone together and alive.”

“But you planned it all. You found this cavern, you were the one who made the trips back into the city to scavenge for food and water and medical supplies, and you are the reason those of us who are still alive, are still alive.” Riley’s tone booked no room for argument.

Except Riley’s non-argumentative tone was no match for Jim, and never had been.

“I should have been able to stop it,” Jim said tiredly. “I was in that government building all the time, learning about diplomacy and government from Kodos. He had me over for dinner on Thursday nights and he was always taking me under his wing, giving me advice. He taught me how to play chess and he praised me for my grades in school. I was around Kodos all the time, Riley, _all the time_ , and I should have seen sooner what a twisted old fuck he was. Maybe if I had, I’d have been able to warn more people, save more of you.”

“It wasn’t your job to save the world. No one, let alone a fifteen-year-old boy, should ever have that sort of a burden put on their shoulders. But you did figure it out and you saved a lot of people.” He sat on the rock bench next to Jim. “I had my pick of assignments, you know.”

Jim looked over at. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I could have gone to any ship I wanted, but I wanted yours. You’re the best captain I’ve ever served under and that hasn’t changed since we were teenagers here.”

Jim looked oddly touched, and then smirked. “That’s not going to help you to earn a promotion.”

Riley laughed. “See? Who else would see through my cunning brown-nosing up the ladder scheme?”

“You were the best brown-nose in school,” Jim said fondly. “I swear Mrs. Dunham would have taken you home and adopted you if your parents would have let her. She was always cooing over how sweet and polite you were. I suppose it’s a good thing she never found that notebook of comics you drew about her. What were they called again?”

Riley grinned wickedly. “Dunham and the Devil: The Satanic Exploits of One Althea Mae Dunham. I wonder if they’re still under my bed. I don’t think anyone would have bothered them. At least, I hope they wouldn’t. I’m sure the last thing anyone needs to see is my comic featuring Mrs. Dunham torching a bunch of kittens.”

“You’re a sick man, Riley,” Jim said with a grin, getting up to leave the cavern. “A sick, sick man.”


	5. Part 4

**Part 4**

* * *

The wait for Bones and the others to arrive at Jim’s house was near unbearable. Spock had gone off to explore the rest of the house and Uhura could only stare sadly around Jim’s room. She’d never cut Jim any slack for misbehaving, no matter if he’d had a troubled childhood or not. As far as she was concerned, “My Mommy and Daddy didn’t love me” didn’t excuse criminal behavior, disrespect towards authority, or general ass-hole behavior. She’d always assumed that Jim hadn’t ever gotten over the ridiculously high expectations for being George Kirk’s son and that was why he’d been a certified troublemaker throughout his entire life - he’d just stopped caring. But being here and seeing where he’d spent part of his teenage life, this... this was on an entirely different level.

“Uhura?” She heard Bones call, snapping her out of her thoughts.

“Up here!” she called. “The stairs are past the kitchen!”

Within a minute Bones, Chekov, and Scotty were joined by Spock as they crowded into Jim’s old room. She heard the audible intake of breath as the three newcomers took in the childhood bedroom of their captain.

It was painted a light blue and there were holographic posters on the walls, showing various galaxies. A few framed holos were flashing around, showing a laughing Jimmy with a younger Kevin Riley. There were blue ribbons tacked onto a cork board by his window, with faded gold writing proclaiming: ‘Grand Champion - Tarsus IV Academy Science Fair’ and ‘First Place - Xenolinguistics Translation Open.’ Next to a framed holo with the caption 'Tarsus IV Academy Glee Club,' books with titles like _The Adventures of Captain Macomber_ and _A Separate Peace_ lined a bookshelf that stood next to his still-open closet. A baseball was resting on his bed next to a kid’s mitt.

It was a shockingly normal room, one that could have easily belonged to any teenage human boy. Nothing about this room screamed ‘repeat offender’ or ‘disrupter of the peace.’ Nothing about this room would suggest that it’s one-time occupant would grow up to have a myriad of issues that would lead to various nights in jail. Or that it’s occupant would grow up to be the most famous captain in the whole of the Federation.

“Jim’s house,” Bones said quietly. “So this is where he lived.”

“It seems a bit... well, _normal_ for the Jim I know,” Scotty said finally, studying a perfect replica model of the _XCV 330 Enterprise_ with great interest. Attached to the model was a little blue ribbon that read ‘First Place.’

The computer on Jim’s desk, which he flipped up and turned on, on the other hand, captivated Chekov. “Chekov!” Uhura hissed. “That’s probably private!”

Chekov shrugged and proceeded to hack past the security Jim had once set. “So is the rest of the house, I’m assuming. We’ve already entered unasked, we might as well go all the way.”

“Were you successful in locating the translator we were sent to retrieve?” Spock asked.

“Negative, Commander,” Scotty said. “No such luck.”

“And the Captain has not contacted you?”

“No, Jim’s been pretty silent,” Bones said, tearing his eyes away from a holo wherein Jim was playing fetch with a golden retriever. “This entire planet is like something out of the Twilight Zone.” Four sets of eyes turned to meet his. He sighed. “It was an old Earth show where the strange and paranormal happened. You know, creepy stuff.”

“This planet definitely qualifies as creepy,” Uhura said. “Without the dead grass and trees, it’d look like everyone just disappeared.”

“Aya!” Chekov exclaimed beaming at the computer. “It’s working!”

A window on the screen popped up and started playing.

Thirteen-year-old Jim Kirk’s face appeared and he was smiling widely.

 _"So, I’m James Tiberius Kirk, I’m thirteen years old and this is my video log. I know it sounds pretty lame, but Aunt Claire and Uncle Arthur suggested that I log my time here, since I might want to look back one day and reminisce. I doubt I’ll ever be that sentimental, but, whatever._

 _"I’m living with my aunt and uncle, as I said. They’ve been here since the colony started. Aunt Claire’s a nurse and Uncle Arthur teaches at the academy. They’re both pretty cool, I guess. It’s nice to not have adults calling me a ‘fucking idiot’ for a change."_

Video Jim moved his computer around so that a view of his room could be seen. _“This is my room, obviously. It’s got a great view of the backyard. I was out there for about an hour or so today, playing with Sir, our dog. He’s really friendly. I’ve never had a dog before, actually. Mom’s allergic, she said, and Uncle Frank hates animals, so we never bothered._

 _"I start school tomorrow and I’m really excited. This place is supposed to have the most exciting academic programs available, not like the watered-down shit they force-feed you back on Earth.”_ Video Jim shook his head disgustedly. _“Damned teachers there didn’t know anything. I wonder what it will be like to not be bored in school?”_

He looked up at the clock. _"Well, I have to be going; Aunt Claire warned me not to be late for dinner. She actually asked me what my favorite meal was, said she’d make it for me as a welcome home treat. Is that something families do when a person comes back? It’s different. No one’s ever asked me what I wanted before, like my opinion matters."_ He sighed. _"Until next time, Kirk out."_

The video went black. The crew looked around at each other. None of them quite knew what to say.

 

* * *

The trek around the mountain was fairly short. Both knew what their destination held and it had been this particular place more than anything that had Jim and Riley agreeing to take part in the mission at all. Eleven years had been a long time, but both had known once the message from Pike had been sent to Jim, that they would have to stop here and pay their respects.

Just around the mountain, less than a mile from the cavern where they’d hid along with the other children, was a graveyard. The large span of dirt was still there, though years of rain and wind and sun had soaked and then dried it flat. No grass had sprung up where they’d dug, though they’d tried to replace what grass they’d dug up. It only vaguely resembled anything rectangular; the teenagers able to dig had been so weak that lifting a shovel was a challenge. Keeping it neat was the least of their worries.

Inside the grave were the bodies of the children he’d saved from the city, who’d later died from starvation or sickness before the relief from Starfleet had arrived. There were fifteen of them, total. Little Ella, who had died not long after Jim had ventured into the city one last time for help, was buried here. So were Gracie, Ginny, Trevor, Kyle, Connor, Steven, Turk, Miranda, Aiden, Bernard, Mohinder, Charlaine, Lynda, and David Michael. One by one they’d all died and Jim and Riley hadn’t forgotten any of them.

For Jim, Ella’s death had been the hardest to take. Jim had tutored her in algebra every Wednesday afternoon. Her Dad had taught him how to use power tools like a table saw and a laser cutter. Jim had very much considered Ella to be a younger sister. For her to grow so sick so quickly, her malnourished body unable to fight off the illness, had been heart wrenching. She’d finally passed away in her sleep after being unconscious for a day, wrapped tightly in Percy’s arms as he’d cried.

Riley, on the other hand, had been neighbors with Trevor and Ginny. The siblings had only been two years apart in age; Trevor had been 12 and Ginny had been 10. He’d spent years playing with the pair before Jim had arrived on Tarsus IV, and even after Jim, he’d always made time for them. They’d both died of starvation, Trevor days before Ginny, as he’d insisted that she eat the food allotted to him. Seeing decisions like that forced onto a twelve year old had filled the others with a silent despair; all of them had been too weak to rage.

Riley and Jim didn’t speak as they stood there paying their respects to the children they hadn’t been able to save. Tears ran down their faces and when Riley moved to hug Jim, Jim didn’t stop him. None of this should have ever happened; someone should have been there to help. They’d only been children, after all; children who shouldn’t have had to bury their own.

 

* * *

Another video flickered on. Video Jimmy, smiling widely, talked excitedly.

 _"Jimmy Kirk here, again. So far I like things here on Tarsus IV. I started school today and the teachers are amazing! They_ actually _know what they’re talking about! I didn’t have to correct any of them at all!"_ He looked impressed and said conspiratorially, _"That’s never happened before._

 _"I think the biggest news, though",_ he continued with an almost awestruck tone, _"is that I met someone here who I think likes me. His name’s Kevin Riley and he lives a few blocks over. He’s about my age and he’s been here with his parents since the colony started. I was waiting outside the pharmacy while Aunt Claire was picking up some of my allergy medicines, and he came right over to me, just out of the blue."_ Jimmy looked bewildered - truly amazed that anyone would want to be in his company. _"He introduced himself and said he’d read that a new kid was coming on-planet and that he’d been looking forward to meeting me for weeks!"_ He shook his head, his sandy blonde hair flying back and forth. _"Can you believe that? Like I was a big deal or whatever. He started asking me all these questions like where I lived on Earth and what my favorite subjects in school were. He asked if I’d met anyone our age and when I said no, he said he’d take care of that. I’m supposed to go over to his house for dinner Friday night. He said he wouldn’t take no for an answer and that once I’d tried his mother’s shepherd’s pie, I’d never want to leave. And then he said he’d see me at school tomorrow and that he was glad to have made a new friend."_

Video Jimmy looked at the camera with an expression of almost hunger on his young, innocent face.

 _"I’ve never had a friend before."_

 

* * *

“Jimmy?” Riley asked, staring out over the mass grave, after he’d let go of Jim.

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m gonna go to my old house, look around. Are you going to be okay?”

Jim looked at Riley and nodded. “Yeah, go ahead. I’ll be fine. I’m just going to go find the translator so that we can end this. I’ll catch up with the rest of you.”

“Okay then, I’ll be off.” Riley strolled off and Jim smiled after him. He had his oldest friend back.

 

* * *

 _Riley and Jimmy struggled back to the cavern, urging the small children to keep silent and keep up. There were seven of them they’d found hiding out in one of the houses, many of them whom Jimmy had known._

 _“We’re almost there, just keep going and then you’ll be able to rest,” Jimmy promised. Ella fell behind and he hurried back and crouched down so she could ride on his back._

 _“Riley, were we followed?”_

 _“It doesn’t look like it, Jimmy,” Riley said, helping Tyrell to his feet after he’d stumbled over a rock. “We were lucky.”_

 _They’d narrowly avoided Kodos’s patrolling units who were still sweeping the city for any citizen of limited value who had managed to avoid execution. Sirens had been blaring that it was past curfew and the productive citizens had huddled inside their house, fearing that at any moment, the authorities would come sweeping in and demand that they surrender their lives. Jimmy and Riley had led the children from one empty house to another, occasionally picking up a new refugee that was in hiding. Getting out of the city was the trickiest – you had to time the cameras just right to ensure you made the blink-and-you-miss-it blind spot._

 _Finally the terrain shifted and the cavern drew nearer. Riley ushered the children inside while Jimmy kept watch. When he was convinced they were as safe as they could be, Jimmy went inside, exhausted from his rescue efforts. He was so hungry, but the food had to hold until he could make another trip into the city. Besides, there were those younger and smaller than him who needed it more._

 _The newest additions to their group were huddled up around a fire someone, presumably Dexter, had built. They were staring up at Jim wide-eyed, all terrified._

 _“What’s going to happen to us?” Shiloh asked._

 _“I want my Mommy!” Charlaine, only four years old, said in a wail._

 _“Shut up Charlaine!” Turk snapped. “Stop acting like a baby! You can’t see your mommy. She’s dead!”_

 _“Leave her alone Turk!” Lynda hissed. “She’s scared! We all are!”_

 _“Crying’s not going to help us,” Turk said darkly. “And where are we, anyway?”_

 _“Arguing isn’t going to help either,” Percy’s voice called from farther back in the cavern. “This isn’t going to work unless we get along.” He moved further up near the fire, his face grave._

 _“Percy’s right,” Jimmy said. “We have to stick together in this. It’s the only chance we have to stay alive.”_

 _“Why are they killing us?” “Why hasn’t Starfleet come?” “When can we go back?”_

 _“Kodos thinks the only way to save the colony is kill people who aren’t useful,” Jimmy said, not entirely understanding Kodos’s reasons himself. “Starfleet hasn’t come because they don’t care. We never got a reply back from the distress call the Board sent them. And we can’t go back, not while Kodos is there. He’ll kill us all. He’s gone mad.”_

 _“What’s going to happen to us?” Jenny asked, sitting next to Percy, holding Ella to her side._

 _“I don’t know,” Jimmy said. “I haven’t planned this far ahead. I just wanted to get as many of us out of that city as possible. We can’t trust anyone in there.”_

 _“So we just wait?” Turk demanded._

 _“Until I can figure this out, yeah,” Jimmy said miserably. He_ didn’t _know what the plan was, he was just trying to keep them alive until help could come… if it ever did. “But in the meantime, we’re going to have to stick together. We can’t rely on the adults. We can only rely on ourselves. We’re a family now, a crew. We have to make this work.”_

 _The others were all quiet. Then, determinedly, came Ella’s small voice. “If we’re a crew, we gotta have a captain.”_

 _“Ella’s right,” Turk surprisingly agreed. “We need a captain to lead us.”_

 _“Jimmy’s captain,” Riley said instantly. “He got us this far.”_

 _“I can’t be captain,” Jimmy said. “I don’t know what I’m doing. Percy should be captain; he’s the oldest.”_

 _“No can do, Jimmy,” Percy said. “I’m the doctor. I’m the oldest and I’ve had the most medical experience, limited though mine’s been.”_

 _“You’re the captain, Jimmy,” Bernard said. “You got us out of the city.”_

 _Jimmy looked around at all the children sitting around the fire. They were looking to him for guidance and hope. They had absolutely nothing to hold onto, and Jimmy couldn’t let them down. “Fine,” he said. “And I’m gonna need a first officer. Riley?”_

 _“All yours, Captain,” Riley said, a hard look on his face._

 _“Right then,” Jimmy started pacing. “We’re a crew now, understand? We have to work together and look after each other. We have to make this work. We’re going to get out of this, you hear? We’re going to make it.”_

 _The other children nodded and Jimmy knew he’d do anything to keep them safe._

 _He was the captain now. He had to look after his crew._

 

* * *

 _"Jimmy Kirk here! I have really exciting news!"_ Indeed, Jimmy was bouncing excitedly in his seat, the widest grin on his face. _"I met a xenolinguistics teacher here! Her name’s Hoshi Sato and she used to serve in Starfleet. She was the first human to ever speak Klingon! Anyways, she lives a few doors down from me and she’s agreed to teach me Klingon, so long as I work really hard at it. She says that if I can master Klingon, she’ll teach me other languages like Vulcan and Andorian!"_ Jimmy’s hands flailed in excitement. _"I can’t wait, Uncle Frank would never hire an instructor for me and the schools back on Earth won’t teach alien languages until you’re in high school."_ He sighed. _"It’s really stupid of them, because everyone knows that the ideal time to learn languages is when you’re a child. It’s the stupid Earth Purity movement, rearing it’s annoying head again. As if teaching children alien languages is going to make them less human."_ He shook his head, disgusted. _"But Hoshi’s really nice. She has a pretty laugh and she said if my first lesson goes well, she’ll teach me her favorite ways to swear in Klingon as a special treat!"_

He looked over his shoulder as a voice called “Jimmy! Dinner!”

 _"I gotta go. Aunt Claire made lasagna. Kirk out!"_

 

* * *

 _"Kirk here, again. The lessons from Hoshi are going really well. She knows everything, it seems. I’ve learned loads already._ Hu'tegh! Dor-sho-gha! _One of her favorite ways to teach is to tell stories about her time with Captain Archer on the_ Enterprise _in Klingon. But she’s really strict. I spent ages saying_ Hu'tegh! Dor-sho-gha! _until she was satisfied I’d gotten it right."_

He beamed; apparently to Jimmy Kirk a grueling lesson was the most exciting thing ever.

 _"In other news, Riley, Percy and I are going to the lake south of the city to swim this weekend. We had to get a special permit, since that area is still undergoing development. But Percy’s old enough to chaperone, they said, even though he’s only 15. Whatever."_ Jimmy rolled his eyes. _"But Percy is really cool. He wants to be a doctor, which means I’ll finally know a doctor I don’t completely hate. Percy wouldn’t be like a regular doctor; he’d be a cool doctor."_

Bones’s expression was pained and he closed his eyes.

 _"And probably the strangest of all is that the Governor of the colony asked Aunt Claire if I could come to the government building after school tomorrow. He said he wanted to check on my progress since I’ve been here. She looked kind of uncertain about it, but I think it would be neat to get inside the government building. From what I hear, Governor Kodos is really nice. He helped plan this entire colony. It wouldn’t exist without him._

 _Well, I’d better get going. It’s almost time for bed and I still have to take Sir outside for the night._

 _Kirk out."_

* * *

Jim traversed the rocky terrain (Though really, he thought, was there any other kind on this planet now?) and let his mind wander. Nothing about this place had changed, apart from the fact that it was dead. He pulled his mind back, noting the trees he’d marked the decade before. He came upon the solid oak with the Andorian marking for “s” or, at least, their closest symbol for their closest sound to “s.” He passed another oak, this one with a Terrellian “o.” “B,” (Cardassian) “a,” (Vulcan) an “n,” (Standard) and another “o,” this time in Klingon. He turned slightly right, following the trees past another “o,” a “d,” an “l,” an “e,” and an “s.” He couldn’t help but grin. Hoshi had loved the damn things and Jim had too. And it was random enough that no one else would have gotten it and he’d marked the trees discretely enough so that he or Hoshi would have been the only ones who would know that there was anything to look for.

 _He’d seen her tending to her flower boxes in the windows often enough, but she never looked over to see his waves of hello._

 _The sign by her gate read “Sato.” He’d wondered if she was related to the same Hoshi Sato who had served with Captain Archer on the_ Enterprise _, because that would be so cool. He’d never met anyone who’d served on that ship before, though he’d read all about it and its history._

 _He decided to be brave and entered the gate. He tentatively called out a few soft “Hello!”s but she didn’t seem to hear him. He drew closer to her and suddenly he heard “Hu'tegh! Dor-sho-gha!” It was loud and guttural and it sounded so strange to come from such an elderly woman with such a pretty face while she was tending to her gardenias._

 _“Hugh-teg! Door-shoe-ga!”_

 _“That’s wrong,” he heard her say as she finally turned to look at him. “Hu'tegh! Dor-sho-gha!” Her voice twisted itself around the harsh words._

 _“Hu’teg! Dor-shoe-ga!”_

 _She shook her head, displeased. “Still wrong. Hu'tegh! Dor-sho-gha!”_

 _He kept repeating her phrase, each time a bit closer to hers. But it was still wrong and she kept making him try it over and over again. “You can’t just say the words in Klingon. You have to _mean_ them. You have to _feel_. They’re guttural and deep and emotional! Try it again.”_

“Hu-tegh! Dor-sho-gha!”

The woman beamed at him, her eyes crinkling with approval. “Very good. You’re the Kirk boy, aren’t you? You moved in with Claire and Arthur a few weeks ago?”

Jimmy nodded. “James Tiberius Kirk.”

She winced. “Tiberius. I’m so sorry,” she said with a smile.

Jimmy laughed. “Are you related to the Hoshi Sato who served on the _Enterprise_?”

The woman shook her head. “No, I’m not.”

Jimmy’s face fell. He’d SO been hoping…

“I _am_ the Hoshi Sato who served on the _Enterprise_.” She said, mischievously.

He could feel his eyes light up. He had SO MANY questions he wanted to ask her. “You’re a xenolinguist, right? That’s alien languages, right?”

Hoshi smiled and turned back to her flower box. “Xenolinguistics: the study of alien languages, morphology, phonology, syntax.” She smirked at him, making her look years younger. A particularly devilish amusement was in her dark eyes. “It means that I have a talented tongue.”

Jimmy outright laughed. He liked this woman. She was fun and she was brilliant. “How many languages do you speak?”

“Alien or Earth-based?”

“Both.”

“62,” Hoshi answered. “I’m a bit rusty in one or two of them, but others I’m very well-versed in. I’d better be, since I was the first human to speak most of them.”

“Could you teach me?” Jimmy asked.

Hoshi raised a finely groomed eyebrow and studied him appraisingly. “Which ones?”

“Any of them, all of them,” Jimmy said. “Whatever you’re willing to teach, I’m willing to learn. I learn fast and I work hard.”

She was quiet for a long time as she turned back to her flowers. Jimmy waited for what felt like an agonizingly long time before she finally gave him her answer. “Klingon, for starters. It’s going to be hard and I’m going to be very demanding. I expect you to be on time and take it seriously. If you work hard and I’m satisfied with your progress, we’ll move on to other languages like Andorian and Vulcan. And,” she said as she turned back to him with a wicked grin, “I’ll teach you my favorite ways to swear in Klingon.”

In five weeks he’d mastered Klingon, as well as helped Hoshi with fun new ways to insult and swear. Vulcan was difficult, but Jimmy had two of the dialects down after four months.

* * *

 _"Jimmy here, again._

 _"Our advanced civics class went over to the government building today. Governor Kodos himself gave us the tour, detailing what goes on during a normal day at the place. He seems really nice. Kind of what I picture an old grandfatherly type person to be. Or an eccentric uncle. I wouldn’t know; I never met my grandparents, and the only uncle I have is Frank, but he’s an ass-hole and he hates me. Aunt Claire and Uncle Arthur don’t count; they’re actually like, second or third cousins. I just call them aunt and uncle because it’s less confusing._

 _"Anyways, Kodos stopped me after class and asked if I’d like to come back sometime, learn the government system in-depth. I said yes, so I’ll be there a few days a week after school. He saw me looking at the chess board in his office and he said he’d teach me to play, if I wanted. I know that my father used to play, but obviously he never had a chance to teach me. I think it will be fun to learn._

 _"Riley’s waiting for me to mosey on over to his place to work on our Critical Species Theory class project, so I’d better head off._

 _"Kirk out."_

“I didn’t realize that Jim knew Kodos personally,” Bones said. Uhura and Scotty nodded their agreement. Spock, as usual, didn’t comment.

“He must feel so guilty,” Chekov said. “From what I know of the captain, he probably feels like he should have realized what the man had planned.

The screen flickered, and another log began to play.

 _"Jimmy Kirk here!"_ His face was flushed with excitement. _"So, uh, some exciting news, I guess. At least for me. Because today, something happened, that is, um-"_

A figure burst onto the screen and it was Riley, young and full of life, his boyish face gleaming with mischief. _”JIMMY’S GOT A DATE!”_

Scowling, Jimmy pushed Riley out of the screen. _"Dammit, Riley, this is my video log! I was getting there!"_ His face turned to face the screen again. _"And it’s not really a date, Miranda Berkley and I just decided to walk to the city concert together."_ He was blushing furiously, though he looked really quite pleased.

 _”She’s gonna try to kiss you!” Riley said from outside the screen._ Jimmy’s face went pale and a look of horror started to replace his excitement. _"Oh no,"_ he said, turning to look at Riley. _"What if she does? What do I do? Do I kiss her first or what?"_

“Dunno,” came Riley’s voice. “Ask Percy. He keeps sneaking out at night to meet Jenny M’Yregzki. He knows about that stuff.”

 _"Right,"_ Jimmy said, nodding and looking more relieved. _"I’ll just ask Percy. He's cool."_ He shook his head. _"Oh fuck, I have a date._

 _Kirk out."_

On it went. Jimmy Kirk had made log after log detailing his time on the planet. He was especially fond of detailing his time with Riley and his other friends. He also was full of admiration for Hoshi Sato and would give entire logs in Klingon, Vulcan, or Andorian. This was a side of their captain they hadn’t known existed.

 

* * *

 _“Jimmy!” Jimmy looked around wildly, he saw Hoshi motioning him over by the park. The trees were all slowly dying – the leaves were coated with black fungus and were falling rapidly to the ground. Within days the trees would all be bare._

 _“What’s going-” he started._

 _She impatiently cut him off. “We’re going for a walk. It’s okay if you have an adult with you. Come on,” she grabbed his hand and smiled brightly at a passing officer._

 _“How long are the new curfews going to be in place?” Jimmy asked. “Everyone’s so tense and worried.”_

 _“They should be,” Hoshi said. “The treatments the scientists have been doing to the soil aren’t working. Every field that’s been farmed is dead and the supplies for this planet are running low. Already things are being rationed.” She was talking low and quickly._

 _“But Kodos said-”_

 _“Kodos can’t fix this. The entire city council voted against letting those aliens on-planet and he allowed it anyways,” Hoshi said. “If they hadn’t come on planet, none of this would be happening.”_

 _Jimmy saw red at Hoshi’s words. “Kodos didn’t mean for this to happen!” he said hotly._

 _“It doesn’t matter if he did or didn’t, Jimmy,” Hoshi said. “But it did happen and it is his fault. People are going to start panicking. The new curfews and rationing is just the beginning. Last night an emergency measure passed and no one is allowed off-planet without Kodos’s personal approval. There are ships passing by that could take us home and we can’t leave.”_

 _“Why would he keep us on planet if going back to Earth is safer?” Jimmy asked. He had a sick feeling in his stomach; the thought of leaving Tarsus IV made him want to retch. Tarsus IV was home. He was happy here. Things had to get better; they just_ had _to._

 _“I don’t know,” Hoshi said. “I’ve tried sending a message to Starfleet myself, but all transmissions have to pass through the government building and each one is getting blocked.”_

 _The feeling of dread settled heavy within him. Surely Kodos had a master plan? Sure Kodos would pull through and save them all?_

 _“Where are we going?”_

 _Hoshi shrugged her shoulder to indicate her black purse. “We’re hiding it. Or rather, you’re going to,” she caught Jimmy’s confused eyes. “The Lingtrix.”_

 _“Why are we hiding it? We spent months working on that!”_

 _“If things on planet are about to get worse like I think they are, then I want the Lingtrix safe and out of the way.” She pulled a bit harder on his arm. “Now, come on.”_

Jimmy stood in front of the thickest tree in the half-circle around the clearing. He carefully stacked several of the large rocks that lay haphazardly around the base of the trunk. Then he stepped gingerly on the first step he’d created, bracing his arms against the trunk for balance. He took another step up, and then another, before grabbing the nearest branch and lifting himself up enough to grab another.

“Dammit, Hoshi,” he muttered as his boot slid roughly against the tree, halting his progress. “Couldn’t have just let me dig a hole, could you?”

He continued to make his way up the tree until it cleared somewhat and there was enough room for him to seat himself. There, in a hollowed out section of the tree, far away from prying eyes, was a roughed-up black backpack, sitting there just as he’d left it.

“And this mission is over,” he breathed. He stayed aloft in the tree for a moment to catch his breath and then slowly made his way back down. He was just moving the rocks back into place when his communicator chimed.

 

* * *

“Sulu to Scotty,” chirped Sulu’s voice. “What’s going on down there? I haven’t heard from anyone.”

Chekov hesitantly pressed the pause command.

“Er, we found the captain’s old house,” Scotty finally said.

“And?” Sulu asked.

“It’s nothing like you’d expect,” Scotty managed.

“Anything fun to learn about our captain?” His levity was awkward in light of the things they’d discovered. But Sulu wouldn’t have known.

“We will discuss it once we are back on ship,” Spock finally commented.

“Alright then. Let me know if the device turns up. Sulu out.”

They all looked at each other, not sure what to say. it was as if their entire world had been turned upside down. Then Chekov started the logs again. The crew watched in painful silence as Jimmy’s video logs played one after another. Halfway into Jim’s first year of logs, the videos had taken a disturbing trend, one that filled them all with unease.

 _"Kodos is teaching me how to play chess… I aced my ethics final today. Kodos is really proud of me, he said… I’ve never had a father-figure who’s cared about me the way Kodos has… Kodos seems to understand me like no one else ever has..."_

 

* * *

Back on ship, Sulu paused thoughtfully. What were the crew doing in the captain’s old house? Surely the translation device was more important than snooping around? Was Jim not with them? Did he even know?

“Jygon, you have the conn until further notice,” Sulu ordered, head sticking out of the captain's ready room. He barely heard the “Aye, Sir,” the lieutenant complied with.

“Sulu to Captain Kirk.” He hailed once inside.

“Kirk here.”

“Sir, has the translator been located?”

“Yes, I have it right now,” Kirk answered.

“So you know, then?” he asked.

“Know what?”

“That everyone else is in your old house down there.”

Kirk didn’t answer. “Captain?”

“No,” Jim said slowly. “I didn’t know. But thank you for informing me. We won’t be down here too much longer.”

“Very good, Captain,” Sulu said.

“Kirk out.”

Sulu had the feeling that no one down there was going to be in a good mood once back on board.

* * *

It was hard to pinpoint when exactly the change first started, but little by little, Jimmy’s logs started to grow darker.

 _"The crops have failed… Everything is being rationed… Aunt Claire and Uncle Arthur are talking about sending me off planet… Hoshi’s growing so worried… New laws… Kodos doesn’t seem too concerned… Everything is dying… Starfleet hasn’t answered us… Why isn’t Starfleet coming?"_

Jimmy Kirk, now 15 and an average, healthy teenage boy, was growing thinner and thinner. His hair, which he’d cut several months back judging by the logs, was much longer and limp. His face, once full of hope and optimism, was waxy and sunken. His blue eyes seemed larger and somehow dimmer, as if all the light had gone out. Until finally,

 _"Jimmy Kirk here._

 _"The planet is dying. Everyone is panicking. Aunt Claire and Uncle Arthur disappeared two nights ago. I didn’t know where they were until I checked in at the government building. Kodos wasn’t there. But I hacked into his computer to see if there was any word from Starfleet and Hoshi was right. He’s been blocking all the distress calls the colonists have been sending. And there’s more._

 _"Before this crisis started there were 8,000 colonists on this planet. Kodos is planning on reducing the number to 4,000. He’s delusional. He thinks that this planet is going to be saved, that whatever fungus that’s attacked the plant-life will be killed and that things will start growing again. In the meantime, there isn’t enough food for everyone so he’s going to execute half of the colony so that the other half can live. He’s mad. There are all sorts of lists drawn up; stuff with age and number of children and societal value. It’s eugenics. And he believes it._

 _"There are buildings set up throughout the city, ones that have certain air systems. He’s killing them in those buildings by gassing them. Aunt Claire and Uncle Arthur were in the bank. Everyone has been so slow to catch on but the enforcers are going to really start tomorrow. Riley’s on the list of the dead and I have to find him. And the other kids, I have to get them out of the city. I found a place, a safe place, hidden well. It will have to do until Starfleet gets wind of what’s happening._

 _"I can’t believe Kodos is doing this. I trusted him so much. He was like a father to me and he’s killing us._

 _"I don’t know what’s going to happen, but this place isn’t safe anymore. I don’t know when I’ll be able to make another log or if I’ll ever be able to again._

 _"Kirk out."_

“I can’t believe he had to go through all this,” Uhura said sadly. “He was just a kid.”

Then the screen flickered again.

 _"Jimmy Kirk here."_

He was emaciated and looked like one good breeze would kill him dead.

 _"We’re dying. We just buried two more of us last week. We can’t go on._

 _"I’m about to do something that I swore I’d never do. She said it was for emergencies only and I can’t think of anything else. There’s no food left and we’re all so sick and hungry. If I find anything in the city it’s going to the children, they need it more than myself and the older ones._

 _"When I came to Tarsus IV my mother sent me a package with a note and a data chip. She said that on that data chip was the code to the Starfleet’s sub-space priority one communication channel. One signal with that code will send an alert to every Starfleet vessel flying. She wasn’t supposed to give it to me and could be dishonorably discharged for doing so, but she wanted me to have something in case of an emergency. I didn’t want to use it because I don’t want her to get into trouble, but everyone’s dying and I have to do something._

 _"I’m going to break into the government building and one way or another I’m sending distress call to Starfleet. I don’t know if I’ll make it out of the building alive but something has to be done. Either Kodos and his men are going down, or I am._

 _"Kirk out."_

No more logs aired; they’d all been played. Uhura sat heavily on Jimmy’s bed. Spock remained standing per usual and Bones leaned heavily against the wall next to Scotty. Chekov remained at the desk chair.

“So many things about him make sense now,” Chekov said slowly. “Things I never really thought about before.”

“What do you mean?” Scotty asked.

“He has never once complained about the food in the mess hall. Even when it is terrible he always eats whatever is on his plate.”

Bones nodded. “He was the same back the Academy. Always cleared his tray and never gave a single complaint.”

Scotty frowned. “If there’s ever one left of anything, he never takes it, always leaves it for the person behind him.”

“Conditioning,” Uhura said. “He knew what it was like to go hungry so he never complains when there’s food. And he leaves food for others so that no one else goes hungry.”

“How did we not notice these things? How did no one else?” Chekov asked.

“The captain is skilled at displaying what he wants others to see,” Spock finally spoke. “He has not spoken of this to anyone and because all of the records relating to this incident have been sealed, he would never have to.”

“Why would we keep this from us though?” Chekov asked. “We are his friends. We would not judge him for this. Why keep it from us?”

“Probably because it’s none of your fucking business.”

The group looked at the doorway to his room. There was Jim with a black bag slung over his shoulder.


	6. Part 5

**Part 5**

* * *

“Having fun?” Jim asked lightly. “Enjoying the entertainment to be offered?”

“Captain!” Chekov squeaked, shooting out of chair so fast that it tumbled over. “We were just-”

“Just breaking into my house, rifling through my things, and doing exactly nothing to carry out the mission we were assigned. Does that about cover it? Or do I need to add ‘being terrible fucking friends’ to the description?”

“Jim we-”

“I don’t want to hear it, Spock.” He looked away and shook his head. “I can’t believe you all would do this. Did you even-” he stopped. “We’re going back to the ship. Now.”

“What about the device?” Uhura asked, standing.

“Oh, so now you’re interested in completing the mission? It doesn’t matter, I have it right here,” Jim said, shrugging at the backpack he carried. “Mission over.”

“You found it by yourself?” Bones asked. “That soon?”

“Is that so hard to believe? Or am I still a screw-up captain who has no idea what the hell he’s doing?”

“Dammit Jim, you know that’s-” Bones started.

But Jim wasn’t having any of it. They were in his house. They had seen his video logs. They _knew_. Not just that he’d lived on the planet - but knew everything about his time here that he’d tried so hard to forget, to push away. And they had no right. No fucking right whatsoever. He’d kept that shit private for a reason - he would have even if all information regarding Tarsus IV hadn’t been ordered to be locked-down by Starfleet.

“Get out.”

“Captain-”

“Get. The fuck. Out.” Jim said lowly - and he had never looked more dangerous than he did at that moment. “Now. Get out of my house.”

Without a word the five of them left, tension heavy in the air. Jim looked around his old room and then turned to leave, slamming the door shut behind him. He pointedly waited until they scrambled (though they tried to make it look calm and rational) out of the front door before following them.

“Where did you find it?” Scotty braved.

“Exactly where I hid it the last time I was here,” Jim answered, ignoring the subsequent dumbfounded looks - minus Spock, who had merely raised an eyebrow. “Any more questions or can we get back to the ship now?” He pulled out his communicator. “Riley?”

“Yeah, Jimmy?”

“We’re meeting back at the beam-up spot. We’re done.”

“Right-o. I’ll see you there.”

He ignored them all as he led them back through the residential area. His path, however, was one he didn’t think about it, which led them straight into the middle of the city. How many times had he walked this path? He could see Riley approaching from the northern entrance to the suburbs.

It was only then that he finally took notice of their surroundings. There, right in front of the government building was a tall and once-gleaming statue of the man he hated more than anyone else in all of creation. The man who had taken him under his wing, been so very _kind_ to him, who had pushed him to give more than his absolute best. A man who in his own twisted way had _loved_ Jimmy Kirk as a son. The man who had betrayed Jimmy Kirk and plunged his world into absolute hell.

 _Governor Thaddeus P. Kodos_ , the plaque at the bottom of the stone statue’s base.

Jim could recall with perfect clarity the day the statue had been erected and dedicated - a gift from the grateful people of Tarsus IV to their esteemed and benevolent leader. He could remember how he’d gazed in near-adoration at the man, so happy, so _proud_ of his mentor.

Jim’s eyes fell to the ground, noticing several rocks around the ground, still there from the riots that had stemmed from the executions. Without even thinking about he was doing, he picked one up and heaved it at the statue.

The statue’s arm broke off and Jim picked up another rock and repeated his action. Another arm. The head. The waist. A leg.

All Riley and the others could do was watch with bitter horror as Jim demolished the statue.

When he was done, when the statue was nothing more than a small hovel of broken stone, he slowly and deliberately walked over to Spock, handed him the backpack and turned on his heel and left them there in the city square alone with the remains of the statue.

“Spock,” Bones said. “You-all head beam back up. I’m going after him.”

“Is that entirely wise, Doctor?” Spock asked. “The Captain does not appear-”

“I can handle him,” Bones insisted. “And he has every right to be pissed at us. Let me take care of it.”

“We will await your arrival,” Spock said. He flipped his communicator open. “Spock to _Enterprise_. Five to beam up.”

“Awaiting your order, Sir,” Lieutenant DeBussey’s voice could be heard.

“Energize.”

 

* * *

Bones found Jim outside the city, sitting a large boulder of all things. Between this boulder and the dozen or so rocks Jim had used to destroy the stone statue of Kodos, Jim appeared to have a fascination with rocks all of a sudden.

"You know," Bones said conversationally, sitting on the ground next the boulder. "I imagined that if something were ever strong enough to bring the already legendary Captain Kirk to his knees, it'd be something in his present, not his past."

Jim said nothing, didn't even acknowledge Bones's presence.

"And I suspect," he continued, "that this is where I'm supposed to tell you how brave you were and how brilliant you've turned out in spite of what's happened here. But I'm not. Because that's the thing with you, Jim. You don't believe it. And if you don't believe that you've overcome hell itself to become the finest damn captain in Starfleet, then you don't deserve it. You don't deserve the _Enterprise_ , you don't deserve to wear those stripes on your shirt. Or hell, even a Starfleet shirt. You don't deserve anything, period."

"Fuck you, Bones," Jim said cuttingly. "I earned that ship and what goes with it!"

"Then prove it!" He snapped. "Pull your head of your ass and get over your goddamned pity party!"

Jim finally looked over at him. "I really don't like you right now."

"I really don't give a damn," Bones matched. "You're doing a fine job honoring the memory of all those who died here, some of whom died to protect _you_. Fine job, moping about, forever lamenting your tragic past-” He was cut off by the abrupt collision of Jim's fist with his face. _Finally._

"Shut up!" Jim yelled, pulling him up by his shirt only to punch him again. "You have no idea! You have no idea what it was like!"

"Because you're _so_ special," Bones said, goading him on.

"Forget it," Jim said heatedly. He pushed Bones down on the ground again and started to walk away.

"You didn't hate this place, Jim!" Bones called.

Jim stopped in his tracks and turned slowly to face him. "Excuse me?"

"You're excused," he said flippantly. "I said you didn't hate this place, did you? I've been by your side for over five years. I know you, Jim. If you'd hated this place, wished it would careen into the nearest sun and incinerate, you wouldn't be affected the way you've been. No, you would have accepted the mission at hand, not complained. You would have come here, faced this planet down, found the damned translator that crazy linguist made-"

"Hoshi wasn't crazy!" Jim cut in angrily. "She was brilliant!"

"Whatever. You would have found the device, said 'fuck you' to this place, and beamed right back to the _Enterprise_ and skipped all the merry way home to Pike." He stood up, lightly brushing the dirt off of his blue shirt and off of the knees of his trousers. "But you didn't. Because when you hate something Jim, you always manage to deliver the finest 'fuck you' you can. That's what you do." He tilted his head at Jim, as if searching for the right angle to slide in a puzzle piece. "And this time you didn't. Everything about this entire mission has put you on edge and just about driven you over it."

"So?" Jim said, going to nonchalance and failing spectacularly.

"So that leads me to believe that you didn't hate this place, Jim. You _loved_ it. You _loved_ living here. You were probably truly happy for the first time in your entire life, weren't you?" His gaze on Jim softened and Jim wordless walked back to the boulder and sat on it wearily.

"This place was heaven," Jim said weakly. "For the first time in my life I belonged. I had parental figures that loved me. They didn't go off planet all the time or tell me that my father would be ashamed of me. They didn't yell and scream at me or call me a worthless waste of space." He closed his eyes. "They just loved me. I had the perfect home in the perfect neighborhood. We had cookouts and pool parties and I was a friend with all the kids. I actually _had_ friends. I used to help mow grass and carry in groceries."

He looked off into the sunset. "This place was perfection and eventually Kodos came to be at the center of it, in a way. He personally approved my transfer here. He was very interested in me, he said," Jim saw the burgeoning look of horror on Bones's face. "Not like that," he said firmly. "He wasn't a pervert, for all the ways he was fucked up. He said I had the potential to do great things, that I was meant for something more."

“Like glee club…” Bones added helpfully, despite how unwise the comment was.

“You know what, Bones? Fuck you,” Jim said, shooting him a nasty glare before continuing. "The education we all got here was the best I've ever had. The teachers were amazing. We didn't just learn engineering theory, Bones. We practiced it on real engines and shuttles. Every subject was like that. Even literature! When we learned about Julius Caesar, we didn't just read the play and write reports; we actually dressed in ancient Roman garb and acted out the entire thing. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before," he said. "I was always told I was too smart for my own good back on Earth." His voice became mocking. "Why do you have to show off, Jimmy? Why can't you just keep your mouth shut and let the teacher talk? Why do you always have to cause trouble? Why can't you just sit still and pay attention?" He laughed harshly. "But here? Here it was like I couldn't be smart _enough_. I had to work at school for the first time in my life." He sighed.

“I loved every fucking minute of it. I always had the mind to learn all sorts of things, and this place made it a reality. There was _nothing_ that didn’t interest me. There was nothing I couldn’t do.”

He looked off into the sky; the sun would begin it’s descent before long. “And then everything changed. The fields started failing. The trees started dying. Grass turned brown and everyone panicked. But no matter what Aunt Claire and Uncle Arthur said, no matter how many time Hoshi warned me not to put all my faith in him, I just knew that Kodos was going to save us all.” Jim looked bleakly over at Bones. “He didn’t. He decided to kill us instead.”

“How did he-”

“Vaccinations. He said the entire colony was scheduled for vaccinations. And when the citizens of limited value were directed to the designated buildings, they were killed.”

“That’s so…”

“Simple, right?” Jim snorted. “The near perfect execution of half a colony brought by a stupidly simple plan. Then everyone got wind of what was happening and then those marked for death were just shot on-sight. Anyone who was in their home or in the streets were all dragged outside of the city to a mass grave. You’ve seen the others in the buildings?” He looked over at Bones who nodded.

“I remember those first few days of panic being the easiest. I knew who to run to and pull out of the city. I had a safe place far away from Kodos and his men. I had a crew who helped me, once they caught on. Hoshi died getting Ella to me, and it’s almost like it was for nothing, since Ella died before help could arrive. Right in Percy’s arms, she just-” he swallowed heavily. “She just faded away and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to help her.”

“The trips into the city were the worst. I got caught three times. The first time the enforcers managed to break my arm before I could get away. The second time I was chained up and beaten for days before Riley and Jenny managed to sneak in and distract them with flares and got me out of there. The third time was hell itself. Kodos found me and actually tried to reason with me - said he’d built this empire for me and that there was nothing we couldn’t accomplish together as father and son. He offered me food and safety and shelter - all I had to do to get it was turn the others in. I was so tired and so hungry but we were all in it together, I couldn’t leave them.

“The entire time there was this niggling thought in the back of my head that there was something I’d missed, something I’d forgotten. And after I managed to get away from him, I finally remembered. Mom had given me the subspace code. She could have gotten into so much trouble, but I had to do something. We were dying.”

“Jim-”

“The wait I can barely remember, I was so out of my mind with hunger. We all were. The younger ones, their stomachs were distended with hunger. The rest of us could barely open our eyes. Everything was dark and fuzzy when help finally came. She was an angel; she had to be. There was light all around her and she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen in my life - I was sure I’d died, but it couldn’t have been so bad, because she was there.”

“Who?”

“Number One,” Jim said. “I didn’t know that she was more than some crazy, desperate hallucination until she came onboard with Admiral Pike. I’d been so convinced that I’d made her up.”

“What happened?”

“I could hardly stand, but I had to - I had to keep them safe. I demanded to know who she was and what she wanted. She’d said that she was from Starfleet and that she and the others were there to help. Then she asked who I was. I said, ‘I’m Captain James Tiberius Kirk,’ and then I just remember black.”

“Captain?” Bones queried. “What do you mean ‘captain’?”

“We were a crew, Bones. Crews need a captain. They picked me. I didn’t want to. Bones, I was _fifteen_. I wanted it to be Percy, since he was the oldest, but he said that he was the doctor, so what else could I do?”

“Kids taking care of kids,” Bones said, shaking his head.

“We didn’t have a choice.” He looked over at Bones, his expression guarded. “I want to show you something. C’mon.”

Sensing he was about to see something Jim considered deeply private, Bones followed quietly. Jim led him northwest of the boulders they’d been at, looking for signs that Bones would have never been able to spot. He kept a good pace, though he could tell that Jim was used to going so much faster. Bones didn’t like to think about why that was.

Finally they emerged out of a once-wooded clearing right next to the large mountain that sat to the far northwest of the city. Jim motioned for him to follow and pulled out his flashlight. Jim took him deep into a small crevice in the mountainside, one that Bones would have walked right by, it was so well-hidden. Following the path Jim laid out for him, Bones found himself in a deep cavern. Taking out his own flashlight from his medical bag, he looked around.

The remnants of several fires were all around the cavern. A few light units were set up and Jim was bending to turn one on; it still worked perfectly. In the better light he could see piles of old blankets and pillows. “This is it,” Jim said simply. “This is where we hid.” He pointed behind him. “Further back was where Percy tended to us. I remember when he had to set my arm. And further back was a small pool of water we drank from. It was great before it went stagnant.” He caught Bones’s expression. “What?”

Bones shook his head. “I- I don’t even know what to say.”

Jim powered off the light unit and passed Bones to leave the cavern. “Come on.”

Casting one last sad look around the darkened cavern (for all the good it did him), Bones turned and followed Jim. Jim led him off the side of the mountain, to a clearing with a large section of flattened dirt. “What is this?”

“A graveyard. This is where we buried those of us who didn’t make it.”

“Do you remember them all?” Bones asked quietly.

“Ella Stanislav, Gracie Kimmel, Ginny & Trevor Kelly, Kyle Reynolds, Connor Gregor, Steven Jacobi, Turk Sefton, Miranda Berkley, Aiden deGiorgio, Bernard Mullet, Mohinder Kasaab, Charlaine Surresh, Lynda Eddison, and David Michael Grimes,” Jim said faithfully. “I’ve never forgotten them. I never want to forget them.” He looked over at the mass grave. “This is why I didn’t say no. Pike said I could refuse, but this is why no matter how much I wanted to, I didn’t.” Bones had never heard Jim so choked up. “I had to tell them I was sorry. I should have looked after them better. I should have…” he broke off and tried to gather himself. “They deserve better than this, but it was the best we could do.”

They just stood there in silence for a spell, words not really needed between the two of them. Eventually Bones noticed the sky. It was growing darker by the minute and they needed to get back to the beam-up point.

"We should be heading back, Jim, before Spock decides to do something logical." Bones said, lightly tugging on Jim's arm.

"Yeah," Jim said, though he made no move to leave. His eyes were strangely dull and his arm went heavy in Bones's hold.

"Hey," Bones said as he put his other hand on Jim's free arm. "Hey, Jim, you need to stay with me, ya hear?"

"Yeah." Jim shook his head slightly and his eyes focused on Bones.

"You with me?" Bones asked. He was cradling Jim's face in his hands now.

"I'm right here, Bones."

"I promise you that you can crash as soon as we're back on ship but I need you to be here right now. You know the way back, I don't."

"'m just so tired, Bones." But Jim steadied himself and took Bones's arm.

"I know you are Jim." He looked down as Jim took his hand.

"C'mon," Jim said, and started walking. He stumbled a few times on the long way back, but Bones was there to steady him. “We’re almost there,” he mumbled.

Bones, loathe as he was to let go of Jim’s hand, did so in order to wrap a supporting arm around Jim. “That’s it, Jim. Just keep going.”

The beam-up point was illuminated in the dark. All around the city the sensors had detected nightfall and the street lamps were slowly coming to life.

“Doctor McCoy to Enterprise. Requesting direct beam-up to Captain’s quarters, medical override.”

“Aye, Sir. Locking onto your signals now.” Bones braced himself against Jim. He really, _really_ hated transporters. “Locked on, Sir.”

“Energize.” The tingling feel of being transported - and dammit it DID feel tingly, regardless of Starfleet and modern-technology buffs insisted - overtook him. The pair of the re-materialized in Jim’s quarters and surprisingly the first thing Jim did was shrug Bones off and stagger over to his comm panel.

“Kirk to Bridge. Lay in course for Gamma Outpost 4, warp 5, and engage.” “Aye, Sir.” Then he pressed a series of buttons. “Admiral Pike, this is Captain Kirk. The translator is located and retrieved and on it’s way to the specified coordinates. Kirk out.” He looked around as if trying to remember what he needed to do next. “Right. Shower.”

“Dammit Jim, can’t it wait until morning?” Bones asked? The kid would probably drown himself, he was so tired.

“That place makes me feel dirty, Bones,” Jim mumbled. “And I hate sleeping dirty.”

“You’re too tired-”

“Then sit in there and make sure I don’t fall asleep!” He leaned against the wall and started to pull off his boots. Then off came a pair of sweaty socks, followed by his gold tunic. He trudged into the bathroom, flinging his black under-shirt off behind him as he did so. “You coming or not?”

Bones caught the pants that came at him. “I trust you.”

“Whatever.” His boxers were off and Bones soon heard the spray of the shower - real, not sonic.

With a grumble, Bones gathered up all of Jim’s clothes and tossed them into the refresher. Then he swore and reached in to grab the Starfleet pin off of Jim’s shirt. He laid out a pair of boxers and pajama shorts for Jim on the bed and turned back the covers on Jim’s bed - remembering from the Academy exactly how Jim preferred it.

In minutes a freshly clean Jim walked out with a towel wrapped around his waist. Tired as he was, he managed a smirk at Bones’s raised eyebrow. “Didn’t want to offend your maidenly virtue or whatever.” Bones snorted. You didn’t room with Jim Kirk for three years and not see him naked - it was impossible. Jim noticed the bed and the clothing laid out. “Thanks,” he said awkwardly.

“D’you need water or anything?” Bones asked.

“Water is fine,” Jim said, dropping the towel unceremoniously to the floor. Bones rolled his eyes and strode over to the replicator. When he came back with the water Jim was already dressed, in bed, and pulling the covers up. He reached for the glass of water, took a long drink, and then set it on the nightstand next to his bed.

“I’ll see you in the morning, Jim,” Bones said, starting to leave. Quicker than he would have thought, Jim’s hand shot out to grab his arm.

“Stay.”

“What?” Bones asked.

“Stay here tonight,” Jim said. “I- I don’t want to be alone. Please.”

“Fine, I’ll stay.” Bones said, moving for the couch.

“Don’t be stupid, Bones. Sleep here.”

“With you?”

“What are you, twelve?”

Sighing, Bones plucked his arm from Jim’s grasp and strode to the empty side of the bed. He sat down and pulled off his boots, socks, and tunic and then swung his legs up and over to lay down on top of the covers next to Jim.

With a great yawn, Jim laid back and closed his eyes. “Thanks, Bones. Goodnight.”

Bones smiled and watched the even breathing of the man next to him. “Goodnight, Jim.”


	7. Part 6

**Part 6**

* * *

Precisely thirty minutes before Alpha shift was due to start, Spock was pulling on his blue tunic when Nyota emerged from the bathroom. She pulled her hair up into her customary ponytail and checked the full-length mirror to make sure that her appearance was in order. Spock always thought Nyota looked pleasing.

“Spock, are you okay?” she asked, catching his gaze in the mirror.

“Define ‘okay’.” was Spock’s non-answer.

“Spock.” It was intriguing how one simple utterance of his name could make him comply.

“The logs the Captain made while on Tarsus IV-”

Nyota hung her head. “I should have left it alone,” she whispered. “I can’t believe I was so willing to invade his privacy like that. I should have just passed by and kept on searching for the device like the mission stated.”

“A fool’s errand, as the Captain already knew where Lieutenant Commander Sato’s device was hidden,” Spock said quietly. He lifted her chin with a finger. “I too regret my actions yesterday. And were I given to such illogical thoughts, I would believe that Commander Scott, Doctor McCoy, and Ensign Chekov do as well.” He sat on their couch and Nyota sat next to him. “I have found myself troubled by what was said in the recordings.”

“They were hard to listen to,” Nyota agreed. “Even harder to watch.”

“What the Captain said in his first logs, about adults yelling at him and mistreating him... I do not understand.” Spock said. “Vulcan children are not mistreated by their elders. Among Vulcans, children are,” he paused, searching for the right word. “Cherished.”

Nyota said nothing and simply held his hand until it was time to report for their shifts.

* * *

For all that the crew were on tenterhooks around him, Jim didn’t seem to pay any attention. He acted as if nothing had happened, conducting business as usual. He made his routine passes through the ship, offering a hand here or there. He signed off on the reports sent to him, and didn’t once bring up the fact that his friends - the closet people he had to family - had entered his house, looked through his things, and invaded a very private and traumatic part of his life.

The reactions were divided. Sulu (who’d been on-ship the entire time), Riley (who’d done nothing wrong and had gleefully told Jim about the comics he’d snuck off the planet), Bones, and Spock seemed unconcerned with Jim’s behavior. The others were a different story, all nervously waiting for the other shuttle to land. Uhura wouldn’t meet his eyes, Chekov stumbled over his words more than ever, and Scotty seemed perfectly content to spend the rest of his tenure in Starfleet hiding out in Engineering.

To have said that Jim took a morbid sense of pleasure out his friends’ reactions would have been an understatement. Bones had just shaken his head after seeing Jim’s smirk when he’d encountered and chatted cheerfully with Chekov, who’d blushed furiously and stammered out an excuse to leave. “You’re a damn sadist, you know that?”

Jim had merely grinned and saluted Bones before swaggering off to meet Spock for their daily Commander Ensures the Captain Hasn’t Fucked Up meeting, as Jim liked to privately call it.

Bones wasn’t sure how to react to Jim after that night he’d stayed with him. Jim had opened up to him and Bones was worried he was going to fuck it all up. Jim didn’t open up to anyone. He skirted on buy past the issues and charmed people into forgetting that there was anything to discuss. But he’d opened up to Bones. That had to count for something. Right?

When everything had started Bones had been upset that Jim didn’t trust him enough. Now Bones was worried that Jim was trusting him with too much. And it was hard knowing that Jim trusted him when he was feeling so guilty for having watched all those damn logs with the others behind Jim’s back. The worst part was that even though Bones felt guilty, he didn’t _regret_ it. Watching those logs, seeing the boy Jimmy had been and what he’d gone through and then thinking about Jim and the man he’d become… Bones felt, well, honored (it wasn’t the right word, but it would have to do) to know him. Something deeper, if he’d just let himself admit it.

He and Jim were… well he wasn’t exactly sure what they were, but he knew they were something. The last thing he needed was for the crew to corner to him for help in dealing with Jim. So of course, that was exactly what happened.

* * *

Jim was with Riley in an empty conference room when they found him. They were looking over a stack of honest-to-Ferengi _papers_ and snickering amongst themselves. When they realized they had company, they sat up and Riley hastily stacked the papers and turned them upside down so that nothing was visible.

“Did you all need something?” Jim asked, looking at them.

“Some of us felt it prudent to have a discussion with you,” Spock said diplomatically.

Jim cast looks at Riley, Bones, and Sulu, who each shook their heads as if to say ‘Don’t look at us.’ “Okay,” he said finally. “By all means, conduct your intervention.” He folded his hands on the table and smiled.

“We’re not trying to intervene, Cap-” Uhura started. “Jim,” he insisted. “Jim, we’re not trying to intervene. We’re trying to apologize.”

Jim looked around at them; except for Spock (who never gave anything away), Sulu, and Riley, they all sported near-identical expressions of guilt.

“I appreciate it,” Jim said slowly. “I’m just not ready to accept it.”

Chekov’s brow furrowed in puzzlement and Scotty and Uhura didn’t look terribly surprised.

“I think one day I will forgive you guys for it. But it’s going to take time and right now I have other things to deal with. What you guys did… there’s no justifying it on your parts.” He swallowed heavily. “There were things in those logs that I’d never shared with another living soul and now you know them. And I’m not okay with that and I don’t know when I will be.” He sighed. “That said, I’m not going to start acting like an ass over it, like you all seem to be expecting. Quit being so damn jumpy around me.”

Scotty opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by the comm chiming. “Captain, we are approaching Gamma Outpost 4. We should arrive within the hour.”

“Very good, Ensign Rhodes.” He looked at them all. “I’m going to go sit on my bridge. Riley, I’ll see you later.” He left them all in that room.

“Well, that went just fantastic,” Bones muttered.

Riley snorted. “Please. For Jimmy I know that was nothing short of miraculous.”

* * *

His report was compiled. The translator was safe and sound in a protected case in his ready room. He was ready for this. The end of the mission. The end of this nightmare  
“Captain, we have arrived at Outpost Gamma 4.”

“Proceed with docking.” He pushed himself out of his chair and retrieved his PADD and the device from his ready room. “Mr. Spock, you’re with me.” He called down to engineering. “Mr. Riley, please report to transporter room 3.”

This was it, he thought as he beamed down, flanked by Spock and Riley. This was finally coming to an end.

Entering into Pike’s temporary office, Jim wasn’t surprised to see Number One in the room as well. She was sitting with utmost poise in one of the chairs, not a hair out of place. Upon seeing case that Jim carried, a small smile graced her features.

“I trust by your presence here that the mission was a success?” Pike asked.

“The translator was located and retrieved, Admiral,” Jim said. “Everything is in our reports.”

“No complications?” Pike pressed.

“None worth noting, Sir,” Jim said evenly. He handed the case over and Pike opened it. He stared down at it’s contents. “Such a big fuss over such a little item. Here’s hoping it delivers.”

“From what I know of Hoshi Sato, it will,” Jim said. “It was her life’s work towards the end.”

“You knew her personally?” Number One asked.

Jim shrugged. “We lived on the same block. I’d see her tending her flowers. She taught me a few xenolinguistics lessons. Nothing life-shattering.” His stomach instantly rolled and he could see her face as clear as day in his mind. Lying like that hurt. “She brought it up once or twice.” He could feel Spock’s eyes boring into his back.

“And where was it?”

“Right where she had me hide it,” he admitted. “It was hard for her to move around fast, so when she started growing suspicious she asked me to hide it for her.”

“And you didn’t share this before because…”

“Because even if I told you guys where it was you wouldn’t have found it.” He smiled grimly. “I was ridiculously complicated in hiding it. If you don’t know the terrain or how my mind works, you’d be there for years and still not find it.”

“Couldn’t make things simple even back then, could you?” Pike sighed.

 _”Why can’t you just_ behave _, Jimmy? Why do you have to make things so difficult for everyone else?”_

Jim narrowed his eyes. “I promised her.”

Pike seemed to realize that he’d said the wrong thing. “Well, what matters is that we have the translator and now we might actually stand a chance of not offending the hell out the Murcations or the Balgoths. He turned his attention to Spock and Riley. “Do either of you have anything to report?”

“No, Sir,” Riley answered.

“Mr. Spock?”

“Indeed I do not. The mission was successful.”

“Then you are both dismissed.”

Slow to leave, Spock and Riley both shot Jim significant looks.

“Number One, would you mind?”

She stood up from her chair. “Not at all.” As she passed by Jim, he stopped her briefly to whisper in her ear. “Thank you.” She smiled in reply and Jim felt the tiniest bit better about the whole mission.

Alone at last, Pike surveyed Jim, who stared determinedly back. “You know, you did better than I thought you would.”

Jim snorted. “Sometimes I surprise the hell out of people. If weren’t so funny to see their surprise, then I’d almost feel insulted at their low expectations.”

“Damn it Kirk, don’t be like that. That’s not what I meant and you know it. There was a reason that you had all those psych evals back in the Academy. I wasn’t versed in the particulars, but once the mission details came down to me, I knew why. Your past situation on Tarsus IV was a hell of a thing to come through and there was some concern as to whether or not you’d be emotionally fit to carry out this mission.”

“You still offered it to me.”

“I had a hunch you’d pull through. Maybe get bruised up a bit, but pull through.” He cleared his throat. “Starfleet is planning on giving you a breather after this. We’ll have another mission for you within the next fortnight. You did well, Jim.  You are dismissed."

"Yes, Sir." Jim made to leave.

"Are you ever going to tell me how it really went?" Pike asked quietly, surveying Jim, who faced him.

"No."  With that, Jim turned on his heel and left, smiling grimly to himself. It had gone better than he'd hoped.  He'd been making preparations since he'd beamed back aboard from Tarsus IV.

Oh, they were going to be so pissed with him.

* * *

Sure enough, it started as soon as he hit the bridge and ordered take-off. Once in his ready room, his senior bridge crew came piling in, worried.

“Captain, the ship is not responding to the coordinates I have laid in. It reads that there are already coordinates it must follow.” Chekov looked panicked.

Jim shrugged. “That’s okay.”

“That’s okay?” Uhura asked incredulously. “We’ve been locked out of the entire ship!” Her eyes narrowed. “What did you do?”

“Look, just sit back and enjoy the ride.”

“Captain, I must protest-” Spock began.

“Spock, it’s okay. Pike even told me that Starfleet won’t be tasking us with another mission for a couple of weeks. Any messages that come in are routed straight to me. Just think of this as an adventure.”

“Adventures are not logical.”

Jim smiled. “But closure is.”

“Should a distress call be sent out and we be the closest ship available-”

“Then we answer it. Period.”

“And when the crew starts getting suspicious because their readings are off?”

“They won’t be. As far as they know we’re off to explore the Kasterborous System again. Did you think I wouldn’t have thought of these things?” He smirked. “It’s for a few days and then you can declare me emotionally compromised or whatever you want. But we’re going back there one way or another.” He looked around at them all. “I suggest you all just proceed as normal and not worry the rest of the crew.”

“Dammit Jim! Why the hell is Spock calling me in the middle of my shift to tell me that you've gone off the deep-end?” Bones came storming into Jim's ready room, looking more than a little disgruntled. He surveyed Jim. “ _Did_ you finally go off the deep-end?”

Jim snorted. “Trust me. If I go off the deep-end, there won't even be a need to ask.”

“You've taken over the ship and locked everyone out! I'd classify that as going mad!” Uhura snapped.

“You locked us out of the ship?” Bones asked incredulously. “Are you _trying_ to get court martialed?”

“The faith in me here is mind-blowing. I wouldn't do anything that would endanger the ship or the crew. All I did is ensure that no one is able to change course or contact Starfleet or let anyone know where we're going.”

“And just where are we going?” Bones asked.

“Tarsus. I have some unfinished business there.”

“So basically you’re using the flagship of the Federation as a ferry to a restricted dead rock so that you can sort out your issues?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah, that’s about right.”

“You couldn't have let us know?” Uhura asked.

“Well, since you've all been so trustworthy...” Jim said sarcastically. He saw their expressions shift from outrage and concern into guilt and then sighed. “Just give me one day there. Just one. That's all I'm asking. One day and then except for the mapping systems, I put everything back to normal. Then you can mutiny, contact Starfleet, whatever. I won't care. Just let me have that one day.”

“One day then, Captain, and then I will be contacting Starfleet and assuming command of this ship.” Spock said, a surprisingly hard edge to his voice.

“Fair enough.”

 

* * *

Bones stood outside Jim's door and debated on whether or not to even bother trying to reason with Jim. He paced back and forth a few times, had even left that corridor entirely before stomping back, muttering under his breath. He was just about to ring the chime when he heard “Just come on inside, before you traumatize anyone trying to get through the corridor.”

With a muttered “Unbelievable,” Bones went into Jim's quarters. “How do you do that?”

“No one else could turn the atmosphere so grouchy,” Jim said carelessly. He was lounging on his couch, wearing a pair of black patched pants and an old Academy t-shirt. He looked much younger than he'd seemed in his office the day before.

Bones raised an eyebrow and Jim smirked. “Ensign Linn commed to ask if my door was malfunctioning, since you didn’t seem to be able to open it.” He grinned. “She sounded like she thinks you’re a real dish, Doctor. There could be possibilities.”  
“The pretty dark-haired pilot on gamma shift?” Bones queried.

“Yep. You might wanna jump on that. At your age you can’t be too picky.”

Bones tried to recall what he knew about her before he realized what Jim had said and glared. “I’m hardly into my dotage. Anyway I’m pretty certain she’s seeing some ensign down in engineering. And quit trying to distract me. We need to talk.”

Jim motioned for the chair that faced the couch. “Then let’s talk.”

He decided to be direct and honest - Jim deserved that much, and so did he. “This thing that’s between us?” Jim nodded in acknowledgement. “We need to take a break. There’s a lot going on right now and you’ve flat-out said you haven’t forgiven us for what we did back on Tarsus-” “I’ve forgiven _you_ , Bones!” “No, Jim, I don’t think you have. And I’m okay with that. No one’s going to push you to forgive anyone if you’re not ready. We understand.”

He sighed. “But until that happens, _if_ that happens, this thing between us can’t work. We can’t deal with that hanging over us. I’m not saying this to manipulate you or to force you into doing something you’re not ready to do. I’m just letting you know how things stand.” He ran a tired hand through his hair. “When all this is over and the dust has settled, then we can give it a go. But you have to be ready for it. I care too much about this to screw it up.”

Jim nodded quietly.

“I have shift in five hours. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He stood up and stretched while Jim remained sprawled on the couch. Bones paused at the door “I love you, Jim.” and then left.


	8. Part 7

**Part 7**

* * *

The atmosphere throughout the ship during the trek back to Tarsus IV was tense. If the rest of the crew noticed anything amiss about the ship and it’s captain and senior crew, they said nothing.

Uhura was sure she could see flashes of guilt in Jim’s eyes, but they were often gone before she could get a second look. She wasn’t sure what to think; on the one hand, the fact that Jim had hijacked his own ship and risked court martial and a dishonorable discharge from Starfleet infuriated her. On the other, given what she saw on that planet… if anyone needed to sort out his issues it was Jim.

Spock was furious, in his quiet, Vulcan way. He never had to say a word, only looked at Jim with a hard glint in his otherwise impenetrable expression. Their friendship was compromised and Spock wasn’t sure if continuing that friendship would be to the benefit of either of them anymore.

Riley had merely laughed when the Spock and the others questioned him about how Jim had managed to take over the ship and at the same time, have it appear to be completely in Starfleet’s command with all systems normal. “In case none of you guys have figured it out, Jimmy’s a tactical genius. My guess is the entire time he was assisting with maintenance on the ship and helping out the various, he was inserting undetectable and untraceable subroutines.” It was so stupidly simple, and not a one of them had questioned Jim on why he was assisting various crew members here and there.

While Scotty, Chekov, and Sulu kept to themselves, worried for Jim and worried for the future of the ship, it was Bones who bore the brunt of Jim’s moods. Ever since he’d spoken his piece, Jim had avoided talking to him whenever possible. As it turned out, the captain only really had to check in with Sickbay once a day at most, barring disaster. Bones tried to stick to what he’d said though; right now neither of them were in any great shape for a relationship. What bothered him most was that Jim was risking something he’d worked hard to earn and had risked his life for - his commission as a Starfleet captain - in order to go back to planet that had chewed him up and spit him out. He knew that Jim was stubborn, but this was madness. As they drew closer and closer to Tarsus IV, the more determined Jim seemed to become.

* * *

“Captain, we have reached the entered coordinates,” Chekov’s voice rang. Jim and Riley sat up. They shared a long look before Jim spoke. “Acknowledged and maintain standard orbit. Transporter Room 3, prepare for beam-down to the planet.” Jim stood and stretched. “You ready for this, Riley?”

Riley nodded. “At first I thought you were crazy, but then I realized that you’ve been crazy since the day we met. It’s a good thing you’re going to do, Jimmy.”

Jim swallowed hard and picked up two black duffel bags. He handed one to Riley. “Let’s go, then.”

They left for Transporter Room 3, and were only vaguely surprised to find Spock already there waiting for them. “Captain, Lieutenant,” he acknowledged. He was carrying an away team satchel and followed them up onto the pad.

“You’re not going with us,” Jim said. “This doesn’t concern you.”

“The safety of the captain concerns me, therefor it is only logical that I accompany you and the lieutenant to the planet’s surface.” Spock countered.

“Jimmy, just drop this one,” Riley urged. “We _are_ going to need the help, after all.”

Jim looked anything other than pleased, but still gave the command to energize.

The planet hadn’t changed in the few weeks they’d been gone. It was still the same barren and desolate place they’d last encountered. The sun, thought bright in the sky, only seemed to serve to showcase the depressing atmosphere of the dead world.

“Right,” Jim said. “Since you were so determined to come down here with us, you’re going to help. Two sectors east of the city is a mass grave that Kodos dug when the executions started. Starfleet expanded it when they came here with their relief efforts. Everyone from the streets and residential areas were buried. But everyone in the buildings that were gassed and sealed off are still in the buildings. They deserve a proper burial and that’s what we’re going to do.”

Spock was visibly taken aback. He hadn’t been expecting _this_ ; he had fully been expecting another breakdown in the form of Jim destroying something as he had the statue of Kodos. That Jim would risk expulsion from Starfleet in order to give his fellow citizens a proper burial was… honorable.

“How are we to go about this?”

“I know where the ground crews kept their equipment. There are some excavators stored away and if we can’t those up and running there are always shovels. The generators haven’t failed so we can use the city vans to transport the dead.” Jim said. “Riley, you think you can get us into those storage sheds?”

Riley grinned. “I broke into them once. I can do it again, no problem.” He started chuckling. “At least this time I’m not going to have the enforcers chasing after me!”

Jim snorted. “Not to mention you won’t have the 30 hours of community service afterwards, either. Landscaper Matthews was so pissed with you!”

“It wasn’t as if I meant to destroy the seven-year anniversary garden. It was a total accident,” Riley said. “They blew it completely out of proportion.”

Spock watched this exchange with fascination. Neither the captain nor the lieutenant seemed aware the that memories they so fondly recalled sprung from the planet they both had not wanted to return to. How did this contradiction exist?

“Will our phasers be enough to breach the seals of the buildings?” Spock inquired. “Will we need to use the…” he paused at the unfamiliar word. “Excavators for that task as well?”

Jim shook his head. “I think a concentrated phaser burst on stun setting to the main doors should be enough. Then it’s just a matter of getting everyone out.” He considered. “The labor will still be hard, but there is the consideration that we were all starving when they died. They won’t be as heavy.”

“Let’s get to work then,” Riley said impatiently before hastily adding “Captain.” at Spock’s raised eyebrow. He took off for the storage sheds and Spock and Jim followed.

 

* * *

It took several buildings to develop a method, but soon enough, Spock, Jim and Riley were moving bodies out of the previously-sealed buildings, transporting them to the mass grave that Riley had spent over an hour extending with the excavator, and then burying them. Prior to his new-found knowledge of Jim, Spock would have been surprised at how Jim remembered nearly every person they buried. Riley’s memory was remarkably accurate as well, but not as precise and detailed as Jim’s.

“How is everything going down there, Captain?” Uhura’s voice chimed in. Jim was busy helping Riley lower another body into the grave so Spock answered. “Everything is proceeding within acceptable parameters.” He lowered his voice. “Is this channel secure?”

“Of course, Commander.”

“The captain’s mission was one of honor. I have chosen to assist him. If you wish, you and the others may beam down to assist us as well.”

“Spock?” She sounded so puzzled.

“Nyota, the assistance, while not necessary, would be appreciated. And I do believe it will go a long way towards restoring the captain’s faith in us. Also I do not believe that Starfleet needs to be aware of the situation.”

“I’ll let the others know and we should be down shortly.”

Other than Sulu, who had flown down a shuttle, the others were down in short order and Jim looked up at them in shock. He rested against his upright shovel and nodded. “Thank you,” he said. The emotion was clear in his voice. “Thank you all.”

It took the better part of two days to finish burying the dead colonists. No one really talked about what they were doing; they just continued to load up the bodies from the buildings around the city into the shuttle and vans, take them them over to the mass grave, and carefully and respectfully bury them.

Over four thousand lives had been lost and all because of one man. To a crew who had spent more than a year recovering from the genocide of an entire race through one man’s anger and the slaughter of hundreds of their closest friends, it was almost more than they could take. Yet they continued to work, uncomplaining. In a strange way, the fact that there were actually bodies to be buried was something of a comfort, despite the fact that the ones being laid to rest had died over a decade prior.

When they’d finished combing the city and the last victim had been retrieved and interred, Uhura, Spock, Bones, and the others had quietly beamed back on board the _Enterprise_ , leaving Riley and Jim alone on the planet.

The two of them had visited the cavern one last time, before stopping by the graveyard to say goodbye to the children they’d tried to save and couldn’t. They walked back to the city slowly, talking and reminiscing about their time on the planet so many years ago. Much to their surprise, Jim and Riley had found that the more they talked about it with each other, the less burdened they felt. Years of anger and guilt and loss started to fade slightly, leaving the pair of them feeling as though they would be able to finally begin healing.

They made their way to the residential area and Jim waited for Riley to finish his business in the house he’d once called home.

“Jimmy,” Riley said, coming out with his black duffel full. “I’m going to head back. I think I’m done here.”

Jim smiled over at Riley. It was a heady feeling, to know that he’d finally gained one of his closest friends back. “Go on, I’ll be up shortly.”

“You’ll be okay?” Riley asked.

“Yeah,” Jim said. “I’ll be fine.” And for the first time ever, he really and truly meant it. “I really do think I’m going to be all right.”

“I’ll see you back on the ship, then,” Riley said, leaving for the beam-up point.

All alone, Jim walked further east as he had hundreds and hundreds of times. He had so many thoughts racing through his head, but strangely he felt at peace.

He stood on the sidewalk in front of his old house and closed his eyes. He could still hear Mr. Mullet mowing his grass and the sprinklers going off across the street over at the Stanislavs. He heard Sir’s eager barking, glad to have his master home. Hoshi Sato waved at him from where she was tending her flower box. Opening his eyes, he smiled. He opened the gate quietly and walked up the path before opening the door and stepping into the home he’d loved more than anything.

He surveyed the living area and the kitchen and began the trek up the stairs. He lovingly ran his fingers over his aunt and uncle’s bedroom door and when he came to stand in front of the white door that read “Jimmy’s Room,” he didn't have the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that he’d once expected.

His room was just as he’d left it, the others’ intrusions aside. He smiled sadly as he looked around at the life he’d once lived. He reached into his closet and pulled out a black duffel bag. He started at the dresser by the closet. He laughed softly at the holo of him and Riley and the rest of the Tarsus IV Academy Glee Club. He laid it gently in his bag along with another holo of his Aunt Claire and Uncle Arthur. He combed his bookshelves and picked out _A Separate Peace_ and _The Adventures of Captain Macomber_ to go into the bag as well. He glanced at the baseball and mitt on his bed and tossed it in. The model of the _XCV 330 Enterprise_ was carefully placed in. Jim could remember building the model like it was yesterday; he’d been so pleased with himself.

He crouched to reach underneath his bed and he pulled out an empty holo album that he’d received as a gift, but had never actually used. His mind made up, he pulled the loose holos out of the duffel bag and started sliding them into slots in the album. He opened his desk drawer and started riffling through the holos in there, picking and choosing his favorites to join the others. Then he left the room. Downstairs, he went straight for the mantle and pulled off the family pictures. He quickly carried them back upstairs and laid the frames in the bag. The album went in, too. He picked up the folded quilt his Aunt had made for him when he’d arrived and he delicately placed it in with his other possessions before zipping up the bag and setting it down.

Jim sat at his desk for a good ten minutes before he finally decided to turn the computer on. Slowly but surely the screen flickered to life and when he was completely in, he transferred more pictures to a memory stick he’d pulled from his pocket. Then he looked around at his room. He wasn’t sure if he should or not, but in the end, he made up his mind. He selected the commands for a video log entry and when the red light started to flash, he took a deep breath.

“Jimmy Kirk here. Captain James T. Kirk, actually. For real, this time, I guess.” He stopped, not sure if he was really wanting to do this, but before he could over-think it, he barreled on. “It’s been over ten years since my last log entry here. And to pick up where I left off, Starfleet finally came and rescued us.

“I tried so hard not to look back. My life since this place… I’m not sure how to describe it, really. I guess you could say that I was lost and that I was angry and scared and betrayed and… so many things I just didn't want to feel. Things I wasn’t ready to feel. So I did whatever I could to make sure that I wouldn’t. I became the troublemaker everyone back on Earth used to say that I’d become. I drank, I smoked what can only be described as _massive_ amounts of pot – which is legal on Earth, by the way – and I got into more fights than I can count. Sex was easy and putting everyone off became my new focus because anything was better than thinking about this place.

“I knew how to live here on Tarsus IV. It was simple here, I guess. For the most part, I knew where I stood. Here it was like my potential was limitless. I could do anything I set my mind to and then suddenly it was all taken away. And when I got back to Earth, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have anyone to turn to because all the other survivors were too busy dealing with their own pain to even notice me. And the crew I’d led had their own lives to figure out and didn’t need to worry about their one-time captain.”

Jim sighed.

“I don’t know how I managed to make it through all those years up until Captain Pike found me drunk and bleeding on the floor of a bar and dared me to do more with my life. I brushed him off, like I did everyone, but then – and here’s the strange thing – for some reason I’m still not sure of, I went to see the ship Starfleet was building in Riverside. And I saw that ship and,” he stopped and swallowed heavily. “I wanted that ship more than _anything_. It was like a sign telling me that my life didn’t have to be the way it currently was. For the first time since I’d been rescued from this place, I wanted to matter. I wanted that focus back; I wanted to feel like I was something special.

“I joined Starfleet and I worked my ass off to get through the academy. And I remembered everything I’d ever learned here, believe it or not.” He laughed. “Xenolinguistics, engineering, physics, _everything_ , I remembered. And I flew through Command Track. If I wasn’t the top student in a class I was in, then I was in the top three percent. And I heard all the voices of everyone I’d ever learned from here, telling me that I could it, that I could make it. And I did.”

He was more focused, more intense.

“What takes everyone else four years, sometimes five, to accomplish I did in three. And then my world went to hell again when Vulcan was destroyed and Nero targeted Earth, but I knew I could save everyone. I knew I could, you see? Because I’d already faced down hell. And I saved them. And that ship I saw sitting in the shipyard? It’s the _Enterprise_ , the flagship of the Federation and she’s mine.”

He was quiet, trying to figure out his next words.

“I spent years trying to forget this place because the memories were so painful. But like Hoshi told me once, I couldn't run forever. And coming back here was like my worst nightmare come to life. The pain of seeing everything you ever loved destroyed and being helpless to prevent it cannot be overstated. I didn’t want to come back but I had my orders.

“And I wasn’t alone. Riley was with me the entire way and so were my friends, my crew. And that’s how I got through this. And it’s been so… hard, being here again. It’s been so painful to see this place and be in this house and see _nothing_ that used to make this world such a wonderful place to be.” He ignored the telltale stinging in his eyes. “But I did it. I came back and I faced the memories and the pain. I completed my mission and I laid my demons to rest. And I’m glad I did.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be back. I don’t know what my future holds. I could live to be a retired admiral who’s a hundred and fifty or I could go out on my next mission and be killed unceremoniously by an allergic reaction to space pollen. I don’t know. But whatever comes, I’ll face it.

“When I was younger, Tarsus IV told me that I had the ability to accomplish anything. And despite what happened, this place, ultimately, was right. And since being back here, I’ve learned something.” He swallowed heavily and spoke with conviction. “I’m going to be okay,” he said. “I’m really, truly, going to be fantastic. I know that now.

“The only thing stronger than this world I used to live on, stronger than the memories and the pain and the horror of what happened here… is me.”

He looked directly into the camera and smiled widely.

“Kirk out.”

He pressed the commands for the video to stop recording and he shut the computer back down.

He slung his duffel back over his shoulder, went downstairs and left the house, locking it as he did so. He made his way back to the beam-back point and stopped.

“Kirk to Enterprise, ready for beam-up.”

“Aye, Captain,” he heard Scotty say.

He looked around him at the buildings and the street signs and closed his eyes.

 _He stepped out of the shuttle, clutching his duffel bag as he looked around wide-eyed._

 __"Welcome, travelers, to Tarsus IV, a Federation sanctioned Earth Colony focused on the full realization of individual and societal potential." __

 _It was the most beautiful place he’d ever seen. There were tall buildings gleaming in the sunlight and everywhere he looked, people went about their business, smiling. There was a large fountain that was changing colors as the spray varied and off to the east he could see the beginnings of neat housing units with grass so green he was sure this place was paradise come to life._

 _He’d been so scared to come here; he hadn’t known what he’d face. But looking around, seeing this beautiful, peaceful world, he suddenly felt great._

 _“How are you feeling, Mr. Kirk?” the shuttle pilot asked, carrying his luggage over._

 _Jimmy smiled widely. “I feel like I can take on the world.”_

“Jim?” he opened his eyes. Bones was talking. “Jim, are you still down there?”

“Yeah, I’ll be up in a minute.”

“How are you feeling, Jim?” Bones asked.

Jim grinned and looked up to the stars that were slowly starting to appear as day turned to night. His life was up there, waiting for him.

  


“I feel like I can take on the universe,” he answered. “Energize.” He felt peace as the energy field surrounded him and took him home.

THE END.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been one hell of a ride. Believe it or not, this entire fic came about from this ~~awesome~~ crazy idea I had that if AOS!Kirk sang, he’d sound like Darrin Criss from Glee. And if he had a voice like that, he had to have been in Glee club. And why would no one know this? Because he was in Glee club on Tarsus IV and he never ever talks about Tarsus IV. That’s how it started, folks. No joke. (And funnily enough, the first 10,000 or so and last 1,000 or so words were written on my iTouch when I was supposed to be working, or on my lunch break, or sleeping. Fun times.)
> 
> I’d like to thank wyntreaurora (LJ) for her cheerleading and awesome job as a beta fixing all the hot mistakes I made. Big thanks also go out to witblogi (LJ) for her cheering and willingness to listen to me talk about my fic for hours on end. Also in deserving of thanks are jactrades (LJ) for her [GORGEOUS fanmix](http://jactrades.livejournal.com/19410.html) she created and moonfoot_gamgee (LJ) for the STUNNING art she created which was shown in the story. And thanks to my Flist, who had to put up with entry after entry about my incessant rambling about Star Trek Big Bang.
> 
> Finally, while I took liberties with what is known from Tarsus IV, such as speculating on how long the colony existed, adding in Hoshi Sato (due to an episode of _Enterprise_ which had her presence there as cut material), as well as moving up the ages of Jim and Riley, I did use [Memory Alpha](http://memory-alpha.org/wiki/Portal:Main) as well as [Memory Beta](http://memory-beta.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page) for reference. I also used [Khemorex Klinzhai](http://www.khemorex-klinzhai.de/Hol/mix/curses.html) as a reference for the Klingon swearing that Jim and Hoshi use.


End file.
